Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Get the Ball Rolling Again

For me loneliness = eating. And nothing feels more lonely than having my husband work 12 hour swing shifts and all my friends moving an hour away from me. Literally. All of them. No wonder I've been feeling the urge to procreate. I want to exploit my children for company.
At any rate, I need to figure out how to remedy this eating issue. I'm hoping that when my schedule gets back to normal next week I'll be back on a schedule and thus able to renew my routine.

In the meantime, I went to the mall today in desperation to have some social experience, even if it's with strangers. I got myself some new running shoes. They're black and pink Nikes. I have plans to get that little shoe insert that syncs with your iPod. Then I'll be able to track my progress better and set some different goals.

Shop Nike for Shoes, Clothing & Gear. Start shopping now at www.nike.com
Check out the
Nike Air Pegasus+ 26 Women's Running Shoe
I found at Nike online


Here's the shoe insert stuff:
http://store.apple.com/us/product/MA365LL/E/Nike-iPod-Sport-Kit?fnode=MTY1NDA3NA&mco=MTM3NDk5MDA

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Recovery

Well, it's over. And I'm sitting on my couch right now in my pajamas eating through my pile of chocolate whilst planning my trip to Outback where I will guiltlessly eat my fair share of a bloomin' onion. Yes I'm aware of what is in a bloomin' onion. I don't care.

Running was a bust over the last week. I managed to run two days while the family was here, but I think the day that I ran in the rain killed my immune system. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for about 4 days. That's really all that's wrong though. Once that's gone I'll be back to 100%. The good news is that my super hubby bought me the perfect push-up. They're these swivel handle things that you use to do pushups with. It helps take the pressure off your wrists. Anyway, I felt the need to use them immediately and my arms, chest and low belly have been pretty sore for a couple days. So now I have something I can combine with my running.

I've been trying to shop a bit for new running shoes. I went on runningshoes.com and they told me I needed ugly old lady running shoes. I guess having low arches (or none at all)  means I have to wear shoes with really wide soles to keep my ankles from rolling. The problem is that the only shoes I've found that have this feature aren't cheap. The site also said that if you have a shoe that's working for you, just buy the same shoe. I would do that because I love my new balance shoes, but they don't make them anymore. That's how long it's been since I've bought new athletic shoes. I might invest more effort into my shopping ventures this week.

I am looking forward to continuing my running venture, but I'm afraid I might need to take a break from weight watchers. I love going to my meetings and I love the program, but the problem is that I don't really do it like I should and I'm too lazy to fix the charge error on my credit card so that I can keep going. I'm going to take a 1-2 month hiatus and start going back again in February or March at the latest. I think it will be good because it's starting to get easy to ignore both the guilt and encouragement I get from the program. I think with a break I might be a bit more refreshed and ready to hit the ground running with it. As it is, I've been spending $8 a week for them to tell me what I weigh, and that's about it. This is too much money to be spending on something I'm not really trying to do very well. I just don't want it badly enough right now, and haven't for about 6 months. It's time for a break.

So onward with my exercise program and onward with my mild control over my eating!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tough Times

So, with this holiday business, I feel like I've been doing fairly well, I missed running two days, but I ran two days since Saturday. When you get busy I guess it's hard to remember if you've even kept track of your diet and exercise. I ran yesterday in the rain. I think this might have been a bad call on my part. My throat isn't coping so well and I woke up in a cold sweat this morning. Perhaps that turbo-jam might be the way to go until the weather clears up. At least if I don't want to get sick anyway.

I was contemplating my eating as of late as well. You know, when you do actually make changes to your lifestyle rather than your eating it really makes a difference. We went to chinese the other night and I could hardly even touch my food. I really wasn't hungry. I remember getting the exact same meal several months ago and devouring it. I had to get a box to take it home almost as soon as she served it to me. The other thing I've noticed to is the holiday parties. Normally when there's appetizers set out buffet style I end up grazing until I feel ill. But the last two times I've had this option I've managed to control myself. Good stuff man!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Plugging Away

Well, the last couple of days have been some good and some bad. I had healthy subway for dinner last night which was good, but we're so low on groceries lately that I ended up eating a bowl of stove top cornbread stuffing for lunch yesterday. The bad part was when I got home. I ate a bunch of corn chips and a bowl of cereal. There are worse things I suppose.
I missed my run the last couple of days but I got it in today. I didn't do the two laps that I should have because it started raining and I wasn't dressed for it. That and I didn't want to keep running haha. But I did something  and that's good.
The fam is here and I think running is the right answer.

I skipped my weight watchers meeting yesterday so I didn't get to weigh in. I'm thinking it might be good to invest in a weight watchers scale. I weighed myself this morning and I was back down to 176. Then again I wasn't wearing much! My scale at home often is nicer to me than the scale at my meetings. But it's still encouraging to see my weight go down whether it's accurate or not!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Impending Doom!

This thursday, the in-laws are coming to stay with us. Paul's parents arrive here Thursday and will be here until the 27th. I'm very excited to have them stay with us. I've been trying to plan out some food stuff and have been getting the house all ready for them. 

This morning I got up really really early. My dad stayed the night to save on gas and gets up at 6 to go to work. My cat was very excited about this and felt the need to wake me up too...by jumping on my bladder multiple times. He's a sweetie. Anyway, I got up, made some breakfast, clipped the coupons from the Sunday paper and then realized that I needed to go for my run today. And then I looked out the window. Ew. It's pouring down rain and really cold. This is a problem.

The frigid temperatures didn't bother me, but this wet stuff is not okay. And it occurred to me that with the parents-in-law here, running over the next ten days might not work out so well. So I need to come up with a new strategy. The problem is that I really like running. So much so that I don't want to do anything else. I have some exercise dvd's (Turbo Jam!) and I think I might do that, but it just doesn't seem as cool as running. Running gets me pretty worn out and sore with a pretty short amount of time. Two laps, 10 minutes, I'm done. Turbo Jam takes 40 minutes. I don't want to feel like I'm doing real exercise! I need to bust out the "is it really worth it to not exercise the next ten days" argument. And the answer is no. It's not worth it. 

The other obstacle is that as I'm planning for the food that I shall have in the house, I'm finding it a bit easy to justify having things that I probably shouldn't be having. So far on my shopping list, I have a bunch of stuff to make more cookies. This is bad. It's so easy to slip into the mindset where it's okay to eat what you want because it's the holidays and other people are going to be here, and they don't need to be disciplined. So perhaps I should approach this in a more exemplary way. "Try this, you won't believe how healthy it is!" 

If I'm going to be successful through the end of the year, I'm going to have to work for it. Don't you hate that? But if I can do it, anyone can. And even though no one is depending on me, I have to do it for myself. 

Monday, December 14, 2009

Keeping it up

So...
I didn't get to run today :( I had to work sub at two different schools. But I'm going to count the half hour of squats I did to change the flat tire on my car as a bit of a workout. That and the stairs I climbed at Grant high school about 5 times. I won't be too hard on myself. I ate healthy foods today too without even really being aware of it. I had salmon and broccoli and couscous for lunch (leftovers are awesome!) and chicken, acorn squash, and stovetop stuffing for dinner. I think cookies are going to be the death of me though. I made this really yummy batch of almond meringue cookies (about 30 cookies) and Paul and I managed to eat all of them in two days. I think I shared 6 of them with other people. And even though they're made of ground up almonds and egg whites (yay healthy!), there's also a boatload of powdered sugar in them (boo not so healthy). So, I'm going to wait until we have people around more before I roll out the four balls of sugar cookie dough in my fridge. I shall run tomorrow!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Weigh In

Yay! I'm down 1.8 pounds today! Running works! I made it all the way around again today so I think tomorrow I'm going to add a lap of walking in. I might try to run half walk half twice so that I don't die. I think I'm getting faster too because it seems like I'm getting around faster. Woot!

I feel like I need to add in some upper body work at some point, but I don't want to push too hard. So far this exercise is simple and small enough that I can do it every day and I don't make excuses for myself to avoid it. I think if I try to do too much I'll find more reasons not to do it. Which sort of negates my blunt approach. 

Anyway, losing weight is good! 4 more pounds and I'll be back to what I was before the wedding. 4 pounds after that and I'll be at my 10% and thus boots!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Black and White

I've been thinking about what it is that has me pushing myself so much lately. I've already said that I'm equating my health to my work on my singing. And I think it may be more fundamental than that. You either do something or you don't. It's almost like a Dr. Laura approach. For me, I either run every morning and feel good and see drastic results in my body, or I don't and I stay the same. I either eat the sugar cookie and feel a brief sense of satisfaction, or I don't and feel long term satisfaction. I don't feel like I have to be as motivated if I'm this blunt with myself. I have this option every day. I don't have to make exceptions for myself all the time. 

Tomorrow I'm going to dinner with a friend (yay Frannie!) at the old spaghetti factory. We'll see if this tough love theory holds when I go. Perhaps I'll run twice tomorrow to make the choice easier. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pretty!

I am experimenting with blog layouts. So far it's been a little treacherous using different blogger templates, but I think this will work. I'm not 100% satisfied with it as far as the way that it interfaces with the bloggers editing tools, but I like the look.

I wish I could write my own code to make it look exactly how I want it. Oh well.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Running in Circles

I am so thankful for the responses I've been getting lately! Thanks y'all for the ideas and suggestions.
I took a day off from the running yesterday and was able to drag my butt outside today for another lap around the ol' complex. I managed to make it all the way around to the really steep hill, where I walked up, and then ran the rest of the way to my front door. It took about half as long for me to catch my breath when I got back in the apartment too. I just checked the temperature outside and realized I ran in 22 degree weather. If I can run in this, normal temperatures will be cake!

I've added some minor stretching in and it's really helped with the soreness. I haven't entertained the new shoes yet. My ankles seem supported and happy in my shoes now, and my feet don't ache at all, so I might wait a little bit to invest.

It's kind of amusing when I run by the front office because they probably have started noticing my morning lap. It's a weird motivator in a way. If I start doing two laps, they're probably going to notice. If I miss a morning, they'll probably notice that too. I can't disappoint them! Not that they care that much, but it works for me!

I am happy with the idea that the more you do something, the easier it gets. With this new running challenge, I've been mustering up more self control with my eating. I went to a bunco party at my parents friends house Saturday night and it wasn't a disaster. I went in with the intention to not eat anything, and while I did eat, I didn't feel that overwhelming sense of full that happens when there is food out to graze on for several hours.  I also managed to eat mostly vegetables. I will admit that I'm a big sucker for salami, but I did bypass the candy dishes on every table. This is a vast improvement from the last bunco party!

Now the ultimate challenge is to embrace all this as a part of my life now. I have to be relentless about keeping it a daily priority. It's like an epic battle for health! I must win! And I'm damn competitive.

Friday, December 4, 2009

On we go!

Today is day 4 of running. So far I haven't missed a day. This is good. I have a new goal that I can see daily results.
My run at this point is just 1 lap around the parking lot at my complex. I run from my front door around and back to my front door again. Along my run is a longer downhill stretch followed by the leasing office, then a long row of garages (below our apartment) then a short steep hill and a little stretch back to our front door.

Here's how it's gone so far.
Day 1: I got to about halfway down the garages. My lungs ached and I thought I had a cold when I was done. My inhaler wouldn't help.

Day 2: I only got about a quarter of the way down the garages, and my lungs still ached, but not as bad. My legs were sore, but so was my core. I spent the whole day doing things to flex the muscles around my abdomen (like half moon pose in yoga!)

Day 3: Got the end of the garages and thought to use my inhaler before I ran. My lungs ached less. My legs were more sore, and my core was more sore.

Today! Day 4: Made it to the top of the steep hill. My throat didn't hurt nearly as bad and I caught my breath sooner than previously. My legs hurt the worst, but I stretched after and now they have that good ache feeling. When I tried to stand after doing some sitting stretches I had to stretch more to get my legs to support my standing up.

I think I might be able to get through the whole lap by Monday. Then I'll aim for 2 laps. This is more fun than I expected. My attitude has kind of shifted about this too. I realized how hard and long I had to work at my singing, but I am pretty good at it now. And I thought, if I could get so good at something I was completely terrible at, why not my health? I don't know why I didn't make this connection before.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Better

Sorry for the woe is me post. I get really lonely sitting by myself in the evenings with Paul off to work swing. I recharge when I'm around people. When I'm not around people, I get depressed and hopeless and angsty. At any rate, I ended up watching the biggest lose, which I never watch because it seems so unrealistic, and they were challenged to run a 26 mile marathon. And I'm looking at these people who have all lost more weight than me and are still heavier than I am run 26 miles. TWENTY SIX MILES. So I decided to put on my tennis shoes and try to make a lap around my complex parking lot. It's probably less than a quarter mile. I managed to run probably 3/4 of the way but I had to stop and walk after that. The cold combined with my asthma and my bad shape had me feeling pretty awful. My inhaler is kind of old too so it didn't really alleviate my horrible burning lungs and throat. But I did it. And this morning and got up and did it again. My throat still burns, but I'm going to do it again tomorrow too. This is my new thing. If I can just do this every day without fail.

I realized something today as well when I was teaching one of my students. I was telling her how she needed to practice a new skill so she didn't forget how to do it and even now I've lost most of the German I worked so hard to learn. And I realized, getting myself into shape is like learning a language. You have to keep at it your whole life if you want it to be consistent. The second you stop working on it, you start to lose it. That's just how life is. I think I had this realization already before, but it kind of punched me in the face when I had to be the adult and give advice to my student.

So thanks for the kind words. The best thing I've found when I'm lonely is to hear from people that I know care about me, even if they're not here. You have no idea how much it matters.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Despair

I'm beginning to feel like this is a lost cause. I can't get to my weight watchers meetings anymore. I have been steadily gaining weight rather than losing it. I can't maintain the lifestyle required to be at a lower weight. As badly as I want to, it's just not who I am. I am not someone who eats healthy all the time or exercises as often as I should. Is that so bad? Yeah, probably.

I've never known what it's like to not be overweight. I've had glimpses in the past from when I've lost too much weight too quickly and then gained it back when I couldn't maintain the lifestyle. Perhaps I might have to come to terms with the idea that this is how my body is going to be. Perhaps I just need to honest with myself. I can't seem to overcome my own selfish urges when it comes to food. I can't stop justifying what I eat. I keep excusing myself and telling myself to do better the next day. And I keep wondering, when am I going to wake up and have that be the day that I don't make excuses for myself? 

Despair sets in.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Surviving the Turkey Overload

Well, I haven't weighed myself since the big meal. I am kind of scared. I felt like I ate more than I should have, but in retrospect, I did not eat myself to an uncomfortable level of full at any point. I wanted to go for a walk, but the pouring rain made it kind of undesirable. So now I'm just trying to get back onto the pre-made meals wagon. My daily breakfast of pumpkin oatmeal is the best. With my schedule being so erratic it's nice to know I have a hot breakfast waiting for me in the fridge in a matter of minutes. Breakfast is the worst when it comes to skipping meals. I walked 4 miles last week as well. It's not much, but it's something. It occurred to me that this lifestyle change stuff is permanent. I've always been aware of this fact, but the reality of it sank in finally. If I start walking and lose weight, I can't stop walking if I want to keep it off. It will come creeping back. I hate that!

In new developments, I moved all of my voice students at Beacocks to Friday evenings. I did this not remembering that I have my weight watchers meetings on Friday evenings. This is horribly depressing. I love my meeting. I love the leader, I love the group, I love the location. But I really don't want to make more of a mess out of my schedule so I'm kind of stuck with it. Which means I have to find another meeting. Sad.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Plan

Okay, so I'm serious now! I'm implementing my plan this week. So far it's pretty good. I made enough pumpkin oatmeal to have for breakfast for a week. I also baked myself 5 sweet potatoes for lunches and have apples and soup to go with them. I'm going to try eating the same thing for two of my meals every day.

Then I went through my recipes and healthified them for dinners and I have my meal list on my fridge. I have all the groceries for them minus the produce because I keep buying it and it keeps going bad. So far it's going pretty good this plan. Last night I made carnitas for tacos. I bought four pork picnic roasts in a pack from Cash & Carry for $10. I'm not kidding. Four. $10. Hell yeah!
Here's the recipe:
I put the roast in the crock pot with some water, salt and pepper, several garlic cloves and about a third of a bottle of hot sauce (the chipotle cholula rocks!). Then I let it cook all day (about 10 hours or so)

It was sooo good. I made a fresh salsa and cut up some avocado and fresh cilantro and put these on my tacos with some more hot sauce and low-fat sour cream. I also used the corn tortillas because they're fewer points than flour ones. OMG it was so good. So good that I probably ate about twice as much as I should have. But seriously, better lean protein and vegetables than french fries or ice cream right? I was going to try to cook some other things with the rest of my roasts, but I loved this so much I might make this with all of them haha!

Tonight I'm attempting crock pot mashed potatoes using low-fat cream cheese instead of milk and butter. The recipe says it's about 120 calories and 2 grams of fiber for half a cup. That's not quite 2 points. I'm going to make a salad and some green beans to eat with them and probably going to grill a couple chicken cutlets. I just have to say that I'm a huge fan of the frozen chicken cutlets from costco by the way.

I'm excited to see how this goes. This is what they suggest to do at weight watcher meetings all the time. I just hope it yields the results I'd like! Boots here I come!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A breath of fresh air!

I've found new life for my motivation. I went shopping with my sister on Friday and tried on some pants that I liked at the Limited. Well, they are the same size 14 that I've been wearing the last year or so and they barely buttoned. Bad! This explains the sneaking suspicion I've been having lately that my pants are a bit too tight. Yeah, I've gotten fatter. The scale is more forgiving than my pants. This cannot happen. I refuse to get bigger! It's amazing the shot in the arm this gives me. I ordered salad the last few times I've been out to eat. I'm hoping that I might have an effect on my weight by choosing to eat things that I know are safe for weight watchers in general rather than tracking everything. I just can't maintain a lifestyle where I have to write down everything I eat. Point in case, my pants don't fit!
I think I'm going to see if I can go to normal yoga for cheaper than hot yoga. Hot yoga is $125 a month. I'm sure I can find something less expensive that works in my schedule. I think it will also help to have Paul on graveyard rather than swing so that I'm not eating out so much. It's really hard to cook a meal for one. Even if you save the leftovers for lunches. It's just kind of depressing.

I think my other new goal is going to be to fit into the dress Paul bought me about 3 years ago. I've never been able to get it on. It's a size 14 (which in this brand is probably closer to a 10). I want to wear it for new years. So I need to lose about 10 pounds this month if I want to wear it. And it's completely possible for me to do that. I just have to be relentless about what I eat and how much I exercise! And I can do that. I really can. And I will!

Friday, November 13, 2009

New Perspective

I've been saying lately how I'm not all that motivated to do better with my weight loss. And this is true. I really don't care right now about losing anymore weight. I'm definitely interested in not gaining anymore at least. I've decided that what I need is incentive rather than motivation. A year ago I joined weight watchers and I promised myself that when I reached my 10% weight loss goal I would buy myself some knee high boots. I'm very picky about my shoes these days and I want some that are comfortable and good for my posture. Essentially, I want really expensive ones. So this is a big deal. Well, I have yet to reach that goal. There was a point when I was only 4 pounds away. Now I'm 9 pounds away. At any rate, I have yet to achieve it, and I have long forgotten about my reward. But now that I want my reward again, I have a reason to work toward it.

So I am going to start tracking again beginning tomorrow. I have my weigh in tonight so I'll know what I'm in for better. Tracking is so very difficult! I find myself getting stressed out about going out to eat anywhere that I don't have a pre-planned meal worked out. I can't be that on top of it. I just don't function that way. So maybe I need a set game plan like salads only to have enough of a limit that I don't sabotage myself. Of course, this sucks, but it's easier than trying to sit and figure out how many points I could possibly be eating. This is where the diet kicks in I guess. The funny thing is that every time I order a salad, I'm always so surprised at how much I like it and I don't regret not ordering the burger or entree that I was debating about at all. Funny how that works. Funny how I know that and I still hate ordering salad.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Update for the Sake of Updates

Weighed in Friday. Didn't really lose anything.
I have to say that having a meeting to regroup each week is a great thing. It's nice to have a group of people that you consistently check in with to gauge how you're doing. It's also nice to stop and think about what you're doing for yourself as well. I realized that I love the fall and it's a great time for weight loss for me because I love the foods you can eat in the fall. There's apples and squash, pumpkin and nuts and cranberries and pears and all sorts of comfort foods that are really healthy. I just have to cook and eat them is the problem here. I love the creativity that can happen when you have to cook healthy.
I made a cabbage and apple salad with sour cream and lemon juice that's completely yummy. I would have never thought of that before. I'm also going to attempt to make a kale and carrot salad that I tried at New Seasons. No cooking necessary! And quite delicious.
Perhaps instead of focusing on all of the things I'm not doing, I should focus on the things I enjoy and am doing.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Breakfast

I've noticed that when I wake up before noon and I eat a decent high fiber breakfast, I don't get as ravenous in the evening. Like, when all you can do is think about all of the things that you want to eat and you eat whatever you can find instead wishing it were all something else until you realize that you've completely sabotaged yourself. Breakfast seems to kill all that. It's amazing what a big difference it makes. I don't have that problem AT ALL when I've eaten in the morning.

Now to go make myself something to eat...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Blah

I've realized that I don't really care about my weight loss lately. I was in my bathroom and it occurred to me that I haven't had any desire to use my scale for a couple of weeks now. I usually weigh myself every morning before I get in the shower. It was like a little self esteem boost because I weigh the least first thing in the morning. Anyway, I've sort of lost my momentum. I don't really care either way how my weight watchers weigh in goes lately. Honestly I'm kind of happy in this state. It's nice not to have this drama. I have been trying to at least be aware of what I eat, even if I'm not writing it down or stopping myself from eating what I shouldn't have. But I figure it's better than nothing. I've been extremely bad about walking too, and I didn't even realize it until this afternoon. I haven't been walking in probably about two weeks. I did walk about half a mile yesterday to get my lunch yesterday though, but it's not nearly as much as I should be walking. I'm kind of tired of trying to set these goals all the time though. My zeal is dead. I don't care if I better myself. I don't care if I'm thin. I don't care if I'm all that healthy as long as I'm not inconvenienced (I do care about this gigantic knot that's been riding my shoulder blades however...).

Perhaps I need more to live for then. Given I have my private students and my family and friends to care about, but this subbing gig is the most disconnected work I can think of. I don't know if I"m working from day to day. I don't have time to learn any kids names to care at all about what they do or how well they do it. I'm basically an overqualified babysitter. At least it's a paycheck. Not much of a motivational job though. I'll admit the prospect of being unhealthy and pregnant isn't appealing. But it's at least a year or two down the road before I have to be all that worried about it. I feel like my current quality of life is not all that affected by my health. Any suggestions for a shot in the behind to get me motivated again? I've never been in this state before. I'm too uninterested to care and I can't ever remember a time when I didn't feel horrible about being fat.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Getting Back to Business

It's been awhile since I've posted. So here's the update. I've been yo-yo-ing with my weight lately. I made a pact with my weight watchers leader last week to track and have her go over my tracker. It was really really hard to make myself write everything down, but I did it and lost 2.8 pounds. Problem is that I haven't really stuck with it this week and I know the scale is going to be merciless this friday. But that's what next week is for.

I finally got onto the sub list for Portland and have been working on and off for about a week now. It's nice knowing that I am actually earning some money! I'll be able to buy fruits and vegetables again. Right now we're kind of having to live on what's cheap...so hamburgers and hot-dogs and fast food. Not super for diets I must say.

I've been pretty good with walking, but not as much as I should. Amber and I did the 2 mile track at Nike last week, and we've been trying to do it twice a week, but I keep having stuff come up and it's been difficult to make it work. It's nice at least to have the treadmills at our complex to walk on with it being rainy though. I really do need to make it more of a priority though. I should go right now! But I'm not going to because I need to sew myself a pair of bloomers for my halloween costume. I hate sewing. Boo! I will probably ignore my bloomers and start knitting on a scarf pattern I found that I really want to make instead!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Momentum Bump

I'm watching the new episode of say yes to the dress and there's a girl on that has lost 120 pounds. The first thing I looked at was her arms. They were thin! I have hope. I hate my arms. Besides my belly, I think I am most self conscious about my arms. I won't elaborate, everyone will stop reading.

At any rate, her huge amount of weight loss made me think about the lap band. I watched The View this morning and a football player had lost a bunch of weight with the lap band. They had a doctor on the show with one and she showed how it worked. So I decided to look up how fat you have to be to qualify to have it and how much it costs. I found out that you have to have a bmi of 40 or more to get it, and that I have a bmi of 30.9. This is actually great news. When I did a fitness test a few years ago at 24 hour fitness they said my bmi was something like 39. I'm kind of excited about the improvement. Although, I am kind of sad that I can't do something that significant. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would feel like not to have so much body. I try to think of how my face would look, how clothes would fit, how easy it would be to run. I can imagine what it's like, but having never really experienced it, I have a hard time accepting that it could ever be reality.

This brings me to my next subject. The weekend off of tracking turned into a whole week off of tracking. Bad choice. While I didn't do terrible in my choices and portions this week, I probably ate far more than I should have in points. Today was the worst. I went to Burger King to use a coupon that was going to expire. We ate our Whoppers and then about an hour later we decided we were both still hungry. Instead of pulling out the salad mix from the fridge, we decide to eat an entire pepperoni pizza between the two of us. I ate 4 slices. 4!!!!! Paul only ate 3!!! And he eats too much on a consistent basis!!!!! I feel like I'm going to weight watchers hell. Even the 20 minute mile I walked today doesn't feel like compensation. I have no excuse for eating that much. And you'd think I'd feel gross and full as punishment. But I was still hungry! I seriously do not understand what is going on with me!

I think I need therapy or something. I found a quiz on webmd to see if you should consider weight loss surgery. They said that not only am I too thin, but I know too much about nutrition to need it. So why, when I know so much about nutrition, do I always seem to sabotage myself? I get going and I do well and then I eat half a pizza. I even know that the reason I was so hungry after eating such horrible food is that I had no fiber today and that my stomach wasn't sending the hormone signals to my brain telling me I'm satisfied. Fiber is a miracle. 

It's like I'm afraid of the happiness I might feel if I take care of myself well enough to be the person I imagine I could be. The quiz suggested that I do lower impact exercise on a consistent basis. Like walking every day. I could do better with that. Especially when I have so much free time. I'm knitting 3 projects at the same time right now. This is all I do with my day. No wonder I'm fat. I need to get a life! Maybe I should knit on the treadmill! I hate being in this cycle. I wish I could just hit a restart button and have the fat melt off of me. Wouldn't that be a billion dollar discovery! Then at least I could go on a frickin honeymoon with all the time I have.

Please don't offer me suggestions about things I can do. I'm tired of hearing them. I know better. I'm just a whiny bitch sometimes.

Tomorrow, I track. My new goal: do well enough not to have these emo woe is me posts anymore.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Weekend Fail

I decided that I was going to allow myself a weekend. I've been doing really well for awhile on watching my points and I fear that if I'm too rigid that I will lose my steam and stop altogether. So I took this weekend off. I had some pretty unhealthy food, but I also didn't go completely crazy.
Friday I had a salmon sandwich and beer battered fries. You can't go to the Raccoon Lodge and not get the beer battered fries. They're completely amazing. Then yesterday I went to Roake's and had a deep fried coney hot dog and fries with my family. Today Paul wanted pizza buffet and I didn't have the heart to veto him because he didn't get a day off of work this week. I hit the salad first at least so I didn't eat as much pizza. Overall I don't think I did as bad as I could of. But it probably wasn't within my weekly points allowance. At least I have four more days to make up for the weekend of mayhem!

I went walking two miles around the nike campus with Amber today. That was awesome. I'm looking forward to that being a weekly ritual. We're going to try to do it once during the week too. I wish we could go every morning, but I know as soon as I start subbing it's going to be really difficult to work it in with her schedule. At least Sundays are promising!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Update

Down 2.8 this week. Hooah!

Friday, October 9, 2009

I feel like a grown up!

Today Paul got paid. So when I got up this morning, I showered and got dressed and then came out to the desk to pay the rest of the bills. I put some money in savings for the next round of bills and for the ridiculous amount of car work that we need to get taken care of, and then I figured out how much we could afford to go grocery shopping. Then we went to costco. Samples are the devil because you  justify it being just a couple bites and then you have no idea what you're actually eating. I had a chunk of apple strudel that had all the criscoey deliciousness of the typical costco pastry. Then I had a chip with guacamole on it, and they had the most amazing salmon bites you've ever tasted. I had to try very hard not to buy them. They were not WW friendly by any stretch but they were sooo good. After shopping we bypassed the costco dogs for some happy hour sushi and made our way to cash and carry where we were delighted to find that soups were on sale!

If I haven't raved about these soups yet, I am now! They're the bags of soups that restaurants buy to serve large amounts of. One bag feeds about 10 people. For us we make it and then eat it for a few meals and Paul takes it for lunches. They are super low in calories (if you buy the right ones that aren't cream based) and really really good. They're made by a company in Lake Oswego so they're local too. We had some at my moms and now we have four bags in our freezer haha! Highly recommend the beef barly vegetable. The veggies still have some crunch to them, the soup base needed a bit more water than the bag said to dilute it, but had amazing good flavor and there are chunks of steak. Like, sink your teeth into a hunk of meat steak. About 2 points for a cup. So I can have two bowls of soup for about 6 points. Hell yeah!

We also got canning jars so I could put all of my bob's red mill bags into jars. I cut and taped the labels from the bags onto the jars. Now they won't spill everywhere when I try to pour them out and they'll keep a bit longer I imagine. Plus, they're pretty in jars. Especially the 5 bean soup beans.

So far a good day. And, even though I ate some very unhealthy chunks of food, I still managed to do good for lunch. I'll have to wait to see how weigh in goes. Hopefully this week will be a success!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Successish

I managed to survive the weekend without having to scratch any of my days from my point tracker. Woo! I did manage to eat about 25 of my extra weekly 35 points on Saturday though. And I didn't go out. And nobody came over. Basically, I hosted a girls night from some friends from my cohort last Wednesday and they all bailed on me. They were going to make it up to me by coming Saturday, but then they bailed again. Leaving me with a ton of prepared food. So I ate myself sick with upset. Fortunately it was baked sweet potatoes, hummus and carrot chips and little smokies. I hadn't even gotten to the kale salad I was going to make, or the baked jalapeno poppers. Who needs friends right?

Last night I went to bartini with the choir folk. That place is a weight watchers death trap. There's no way to know how many points are in your drinks and the food sounds healthy, but probably is not as great as you wish it is. I managed to get through with just one martini (pepper infused vodka with mango puree - yum!) and some hummus with cucumber chunks. I think I did pretty well, but I wonder how that hummus managed to be so creamy.

My weigh-in last week wasn't what I'd hoped for. I've gained another pound an a half. But at least I know why based on my point tracker from last week, and the fact that I had drank half an orange julius (we're trying to go through our entertainment book coupons before they expire) and was wearing heavier corduroy pants. This week will be better. One of these weeks I'm going to show up to weigh in wearing a bathing suit haha! I also have plans to wear this beautiful ball gown that Paul bought me that has never fit. The second I can get that zipper up, I'm wearing it everywhere I go!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Lifelong Wisdom from Dr. Oz

I've read two of Dr. Oz's books now (he co-wrote them with another Dr. but Dr Oz is more famous). Anyway, I'm a very cause/effect logical scientific sort of person and I like to understand how things work to make them function better. Just ask me about the anatomy of singing sometime. Well, don't if you don't want to hear all about how to breathe properly and resonate in your pharynx. I only charge $20 every half an hour for this information! haha! At any rate, Dr. Oz's books have been the most helpful in understanding how your body processes and relates to food. So I wanted to share this with people because it's logical and it's for the long term and it's not about weight, it's about health. And that's what's really important. If it was healthy to be obese, than more people would embrace it right? But it's not and that's why I like how he approaches lifestyle.

Enough of my jabbering. Here's the link to the Full Article.

And here's the copy/paste of it. It's kind of long. But I end up saying half this stuff on here all the time, so this summarizes it and you only have to read it once. And you should. You know you should!


Forget the fad diets. Stop counting carbs. Dr. Mehmet Oz has teamed up with Dr. Michael Roizen to develop a diet plan that they say really works.

Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen have already helped millions live longer, look younger and become smarter patients. Now, they want to teach you how to lose weight and waist once and for all. The goal is to shrink your waist down to the ideal size—32 and a half inches for women and 35 inches for men—and make eating so easy, you never realize you're dieting!

In the book YOU: On a Diet, Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen explain why the body stores blubber and how cutting just 100 calories a day can help you lose a pound per month!

Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen studied people who lost weight and kept it off. They noticed that dieters who cut 400 calories a day ended up yo-yo dieting and regaining weight. Fasting shuts down your metabolism, Dr. Oz says, so when you bow to temptation and devour a candy bar, most of the calories are quickly deposited as fat.

Cutting 100 calories a day—the equivalent of a Granny Smith apple—is a dieting strategy that most people can sustain for a lifetime, he says.

The first step to getting on the path to better eating is to take stock of your pantry! Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen say there are five ingredients that should be banned from your diet forever.

The first ingredient to avoid is hydrogenated oil, which often masquerades as partially hydrogenated oil. Dr. Roizen says we should also eliminate sugar and high fructose corn syrup from our foods. "We eat 63 pounds of [high fructose corn syrup] a year, which puts 33 pounds on the typical American," he says.

Enriched flour is the fourth ingredient to avoid. "[Enriched] means they took all the good stuff out and put a little back," Dr. Roizen says. In 1960, Americans didn't use enriched flour, but today we consume 63 pounds a year, he says.

The fifth offenders are white foods—including bleached flour. The only white items you should have in your fridge are egg whites, cauliflower and fish, Dr. Roizen says.

Your favorite snack foods won't advertise their artificial ingredients—Oprah's medical experts say you have to read the small print for yourself!

After you've read the ingredients on the label, check out how much saturated fat and sugar is in your food. Dr. Roizen says you want to buy foods that contain less than four grams of saturated fat and less than four grams of sugar per serving.

Keep in mind—polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats are good for you and help fight depression.

Can't seem to find any food that fits the bill? Dr. Oz says you should head over to the produce aisle and stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables. Packaged goods usually contain harmful, artificial ingredients because they're designed to stay on the shelf for years, he says.

The supermarket shelves are filled with foods that seem healthy…but don't be fooled. Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen say that 50 percent of the sugar we eat comes from "fat free" foods like salad dressings and soft drinks. In fact, young women get about half their daily calories from salad dressing! Dr. Oz says to substitute olive oil and vinegar for a healthier alternative.

It's 3 p.m. and you're craving something sweet…and something salty. Before you put your quarters into the closest vending machine, consider some healthy alternatives to potato chips and candy bars.

When Dr. Oz wants to crush a craving, he relies on his emergency snacks, which he carries everywhere! "Emergency foods you want tend to be foods that are a little crunchy with some sweetness to them," he says.

Apples, carrots and nuts are great snacks to consider. A glass of vegetable juice also takes the edge off, he says. One snack you may not have thought of are breath strips! "I like [breath strips] because, a lot of times, we have a craving center in our brain that says put something in me," he says. "It doesn't tell you what."

Dr. Oz says a glass of water, a good night's sleep or sex might also satisfy your craving center.

Another way to fight fat is to spice it up! Adding red pepper flakes or cinnamon to your food can reduce your appetite. Starting with a smaller plate also helps you eat 33 percent less, Dr. Oz says.

Breakfast is also a key component to Dr. Oz's diet plan. "People who eat breakfast every day are thinner," he says. "Jump start your metabolism with breakfast—don't miss it!"

Dr. Roizen says people should try to automate their breakfast and lunch. "Why we get so fat is we have so many choices…we want one of everything," he says.

For breakfast, Dr. Roizen says you should have the same thing or the same small variety of things every day. Steel-cut oatmeal, whole grain cereals and egg-white omelets are great options. Then, do the same thing at lunch. Find a lunch that's satisfying and stick with it. Then, come dinner time, you can enjoy a variety of options!

When soggy cereal and steel-cut oatmeal loses its appeal, whip up one of Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen's favorite breakfast treats!

The Quick Magical Breakfast Blaster
2 servings, 136 calories per serving

1 scoop (1/3 cup) Soy protein (like Nature's Plus Spiru-Tein)
1/2 tablespoon flaxseed oil
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1/2 large ripe banana (or other fruits of your choice)
1/2 tablespoon apple juice concentrate or honey
1 teaspoon Psyillium seed husks

Peel banana; break into chunks. Put all ingredients in a blender. Add 12 ounces of water and ice, as well as powdered vitamins. Cover, blend until fairly smooth.

You don't need balls, mats and elastic bands to get a great workout. Dr. Oz says there are only four exercises that you'll ever need to know—and none require fancy machinery!

First, Dr. Oz suggests that people walk for at least 30 minutes each and every day. "Walking is the foundation for all other exercises because it increases your stamina and prepares your body for strength training," he says. You should strive to walk 10,000 steps a day.

The second step is to build muscle by lifting weights for 30 minutes a week. You can lift a dumbbell, a gallon of milk or your toddler…just start lifting!

Now that you're on the right track, Dr. Oz says you have to work up a sweat for about an hour a week. "The number one predictor of how long you're going to live is how well you can exercise your heart," he says. "If you can push yourself to sweat for an hour a week, that's great. You can break it down into three little segments of 20 minutes each."

Finally, you have to stretch so that you don't get hurt. Dr. Oz likes to do yoga, but he says you can get the same benefits from stretches you learned in high school gym class.

There's one secret fat-burner that you can do anywhere—fidgeting! Most of the one million calories you consume every year are burned without you ever thinking about it. Only 15 to 30 percent of calories are burned through intentional physical activity, so minor additions like being fidgety helps keep off the pounds!

WW Relief

The thing I really love about weight watchers is that it lets you make mistakes. Not only that, it gives you a safety net to rely on in case of emergency. Last night I had a girls night which ended up being just two of us. That was all we needed apparently because I had a fabulous time hanging out with Heather. After my second glass of Sake, I kind of lost my motivation to update my food tracker. I was plenty motivated, however, to walk to the cute little bar across the street where I had beer and jalapeno poppers and french fries.

This brings me back to my relief in what weight watchers allows me to do. I've been pretty good about tracking what I eat each day and I've started getting used to the portions and the sorts of foods that are more conducive to the point system. I got up this morning, made one of my breakfasts that I know what I'm eating, and sat down to assess the damage from my night of debauchery. It's actually not so bad. Weight watchers gives you set amount of daily points and then gives you 35 a week to use at your leisure. I didn't exactly count the mess I made Saturday, so I had a bunch left of my weekly points. So I'm right within my reasonable food limits even with a night like I had. Woo!

It's kind of nice to see that the more you do the program, the easier it is to stay pretty good on it. Even when you are being bad. Up to this point I haven't really done more than a week at a time where I've been tracking everything I eat and staying on program. Tomorrow will be two weeks and I see the difference already in how much better I am at it. I'm almost looking forward to another week!

I also have great hopes for Saturday. We're having a girls night to make up for the lack of multiple girls tonight and I saved all the food I was going to make. This means that I'm in control of what there is to eat all day Saturday! So far I have plans for lowfat baked jalapeno poppers, baked sweet potato wedges, hummus with vegetables to dip and rice crackers, little smokies, and a kale salad that I'm excited to try to make. I am going to do so good Saturday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Sign of Success

I can get my recently saudered wedding ring on and off without having to use water or lotion. I haven't been able to do that since it was done about a month ago. This means my finger is skinnier. Yay!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Saturdays

This may become a reoccurring theme on my blog.
"I can't believe what I ate this Saturday!"Perhaps I will make it a theme post entitled Saturdays.
Anyway, this is the second week that my Saturday has been an eating disaster. Here is the story:

I had to reschedule all my voice students to Sunday so I could attend the all day "retreat" (aka really long rehearsal) for the Portland Symphonic Choir. I didn't write in my calendar that the time had changed, so I ended up getting there at 9 instead of 10 when it was actually going to start. I had eaten a high fiber toaster muffin with a veggie sausage patty and a slice of cheese - we're talking probably 10 grams of fiber here in this breakfast - so I was really not hungry enough to search for a snack. So I went for a 45 minute walk. It was kind of a treat because I love the neighborhoods in southeast Portland and I don't really walk over there since I don't live there. Anyway, I was so proud of my really good breakfast and my really good walk. Then lunch happened. My friends wanted to go to thai, which I could have been in control with, but the place was closed so we ended up with barbeque. I thought that ordering a smoked fish plate would be the healthiest option. And it would have been except for the cream cheese and the baguette brushed with butter and toasted. I tried to help matters by asking for a box as soon as my food got there so i couldn't eat what was in front of me. It didn't really help. Salmon is really high in points in spite of what most may think. All those fatty acids are great for you, but they are still FATTY acids regardless of their health benefits. So I had hoped to reel and just not eat much for dinner.

This would have been an okay remedy to a somewhat disastrous lunch except that the same friends invited me over for Amadeus and cosmo night. I decided to throw caution to the wind and to just enjoy the food and the company. I had two rum and cokes, probably more brie than anyone should have - it had an amazing fig and brown sugar sauce baked over the top, which was my own fault because I made it - a sausage dog, and some bruschetta. Besides the brie, these options are fairly within reason on weight watchers given that you hadn't had a pretty bad lunch already and that you didn't eat 10 points of brie!

Anyway, I sat down and did the math and figured out that my day came out to almost 60 points of food. That's about twice what I get to eat each day. This is a bad habit considering I had the same nightmare last weekend with my mom's birthday. I need to figure out how to not be a diet snob and to still be able to enjoy going to parties. I know better than to think it's reasonable for me to not eat the food when I go. I know myself better than that. There's no way I can resist a table full of taste sensations. Perhaps if it's only one day a week it's not so bad. I'm already thinking about trying the same figs with the brown sugar cut in half and split with splenda over goat cheese or low fat cream cheese - this would be so much more point friendly! But still not the same.

But I really really really really want to have my one year anniversary with Weight Watchers be a success. It's like going to a class reunion. You want to prove that you accomplished something. Even if it's only to yourself.
The good news is that I lost 1.8 pounds last week in spite of my candy dish/ice cream/party food bunco party mishap. So I may stand a chance of losing that much again this week if I keep the rest of my week within reason! It's just amazing how fast a day can go awry if you're thrown too many curve balls!

Persistence Pays

So, I managed to reach my goals last week and I lost 1.8 pounds. Which is as good as two for me because it changes the main number on my tracker. This makes 12 pounds total (in 10 months) and thus I only need to lose four more to get back to what I'd lost originally. If I keep this up and lose around 2 a week, I will be back to where I was and only need to lose another 3 to get to 10%. This is my goal by November. We'll see.

This brings me to my next revelation. I realized this week that every time I set goals for myself with my eating and exercise I make them very specific. This likely stems from my volleyball days where my coaches spent a good amount of time helping us learn to set measurable and attainable goals and then into my teacher days where my advisor/professor helped us learn to write specific measurable objectives for our students. This is a great skill if you're trying to teach kids to identify a perfect 5th or are working on the perfect serve. But I see now that I have to give myself more wiggle room to succeed in this respect. For months I've set goals about walking 20 minutes four days but nothing about my eating. Or that I had to track everything without allowing myself to have days where I just had to start over. My goals last week were simply to walk, and track the best I could. I did both of those things, and it felt really good to get results.

So for this week, I'm going to have the same goals. The only difference is that I'm going to challenge myself to do a better job of tracking how much water I drink and then to drink more water. I think I probably drank more than I wrote and that's why this is another goal this week.

New goals:
1. track
2. walk
3. track water better

On another note, I only walked 3 days last week. I'dl ike to get to where I'm walking continuously for at least 30 minutes, but I'm not going to do that until I get in the habit of going at all. I ended up walking to the grocery store two of those times. Yesterday I got to my choir retreat about an hour early without realizing it. When I called a colleague in the choir to make sure I was at the right place, she pointed out to me that no one was there because it didn't start for another hour. Initially my first reaction was, "oh well, I'll sit in my car and drink my coffee then" but then I thought, "this is such a cute neighborhood and I love looking at the houses, I'm going to walk for 45 minutes." And I did, and I didn't stop at the grocery store. And my legs were tingling during warm-ups haha! I think these kinds of opportunities will be what helps me be successful.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Epic Fail!

Okay, maybe not epic. I always forget which oil to use in baking - vegetable versus canola. Unfortunately I used canola, and the brownies I was so excited about having (I even worked out my points to have the tiny chunk I could afford) kind of suck. Paul likes them just fine so he can eat the whole pan. But lame! I wish I hadn't used my five points for something so unsatisfying. I kept thinking it was because I used the spray and that the brownie nearer the middle would be better. That may have been true if I hadn't mixed it into the batter! Duh!
The good news is that we got chocolate peanut butter ice cream at fred meyer and walked to fred meyer to get it. So I got a fifteen minute walk in and could feel it in my thighs when we got back. Perhaps the 6 points per serving isn't so bad if you have to walk half a mile to get it. I have a feeling that it's going to be a taunting monster in my freezer though.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Good Day

Today is the fourth day of my previous goal setting. So far, not terrible. Saturday was kind of a let-down because my mom's birthday party was a bunco party and thus swimming in bowls of candy and ice cream. I was good with the ice cream, but bad at the toquitos and really bad at the candy dishes on the tables.
So I just wrote disaster on my tracker for that evening and decided to start over on Sunday.
It's really hard to go out places because you really have no idea what you are consuming. I ate a polenta cake with goat cheese and wild mushrooms last night which was probably the healthiest option on the happy hour menu where I was at, but I think it may have been fried, and I'm not sure how fatty the gravy was that was all over it and extra delicious. It's amazing how many points things are when you actually find out too! I had baked popcorn chicken for lunch today and a little handful - maybe 10 small pieces - was 8 points! I so did not expect that. I thought maybe 5 for the amount that I had. That's almost a third of my points for the day! But that's what I wanted to eat, so I used the points to have it. I ate a banana so I got some fruit at least. But even bananas are 2 points! Everything counts, even if it's healthy. Which is kind of lame, but at least I'm paying attention.
I have to say that it's extremely hard to stay on track when you can't afford food. I was able to buy a few odds and ends for produce with what few dollars we had left. I had intended to go do a full shop last week, but after I went to costco and shopped for birthday presents I realized I had no more money left to hit winco. So I've had to be very creative. Spaghetti squash is really good by the way, and a very cheap way to get veggies into your traditional pasta dishes. I was kind of surprised because I usually can only do squash in cream sauces or baked into bread. I'm going to attempt to make a pumpkin pasta sauce when I can afford to buy more groceries. I saw a jar at Williams Sonoma for $15! There's no way that making it can cost that much! But it sounds good so I'm going to attempt it.

I finally took a walk today. I hadn't gotten it in yet, but I forgave myself yesterday because I spent two hours cleaning at my old apartment and it was work! Our new place is in a much better location for walking since it's right next to a high school. Unfortunately I can't use their track because it's a private school, but there are sidewalks and some niceish areas to walk around. Come rain and snow, there's a 24 hour fitness room that has an eliptical and a treadmill that I can resort to. But I am trying to remember to get in at least some basic exercise. Good times.

Best recipe ever!!

I saw this on Rachel Ray and I've made it twice now.

Ingredients
2-4 frozen, peeled bananas
a splash of whipping cream or half and half
any other frozen fruit you feel like

Blend it all in the blender and behold all fruit ice cream!

I added frozen figs this time around and it's awesome. I imagine strawberries or apricots or blueberries would be amazing as well! And it's a bowl of frozen fruit. No sugar, not nearly as much fat as real ice cream. Good times!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Realization

I went to my weight watchers meeting last night and I realized something. When I eat things I know are going to sabotage my efforts I feel a sense of rebellion and control. It's as if I'm saying to myself, "I'm in charge of what goes in, and if I want cake, then I'm going to have it because I'm the one that decides." It's gotten to the point where I don't even stop and think about how I'm supposed to feel guilty about having had it. I feel entitled. The problem is, this form of self empowerment isn't helping anyone and it's not proving anything except that I have no self control.

I realize now that what I need to do is to be better than that. I have a huge arsenal of knowledge when it comes to nutrition and how your body functions. I know more about how your body processes a calorie and absorbs nutrients than most people. With knowledge and age supposedly comes maturity. In this case, maturity is when you know better and you make your choices based on knowing better rather than on struggling against knowing better. I.E. "I want cake, but I know that cake has lots of sugar and fat and carbohydrates that will give me more energy than I need and thus will become fat when I eat it. So I'm not going to have cake because if I do, that fat is going to store itself and release toxins into my blood stream that cause diseases in my body that make my quality of living less than what I envision for myself."

So, this is my plan. I made this announcement at my meeting. The one about having more maturity and self control than a 6 year old that wants whatever they want no matter what! There is a lady at my meetings that kind of struggles with the same thing - why feel guilty about Ben and Jerry's when it's so freaking good? - and we decided to share our trackers next week. Which means I have to track. Which means she has to track. And tracking means that I have to know what I'm eating. Scary!

My two goals this week are:
- write down EVERYTHING that passes through my lips
- walk 20-30 minutes a day

Next week I'll add in some yoga to this, but for now I want to be completely successful at my goals. I haven't really done this yet. Not in 10 months of weight watchers. It's time.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Gaining

I just weighed myself and I've gained more weight. I thought my jeans felt kind of tight, and it's nearly impossible to get my wedding ring on and off. Then again I was weighing myself after changs and cake. I realize that with the stress of moving, I haven't been eating all that well. And usually when I don't eat well, at least I stop and think about my portions. But today I ate a hot dog (about 12 points on ww), a milkshake at Burgerville (probably about 10 points), changs - and I usually do good, but I totally wasn't thinking today - so probably 30 points - and then I had cake - about 8 points. Where did my diet go? I even had TWO pieces of cake. I put sesame oil on my food and had noodles both times! These are things I've been better about in the past so that I was at least maintaining the weight I lost. Part of it is rebelling against having to be aware of what I eat, but part of it is that I'm just not thinking. Rebellion is not worth being fat.

Tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping so I can stop this fast food binge! I was even thinking to myself how all the exercise I've been getting should be so beneficial. Um...not when you eat 50 points a day! I need to recover my lifestyle! And, I need to start earning some income so I can go to yoga. I really really miss it and I haven't had time to go (2 weeks I've missed now). *sigh* It's $15 per session if you don't buy a package. This is not cheap if you go a couple times a week. And I really want to get to where I can work 2-3 times a week into my lifestyle. My body misses it. I can tell every time I start to even remotely stretch something that my body embraces the work I started at yoga and wants more. But first, I have to lose this 10 pounds I gained back and get back on my eating track. Seriously!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Wedding Planner Success!

I've decided that perhaps being a wedding planner is good for my weight loss. You work a 12 hour day, you're walking and running all day long, you don't have time to eat, and then you sleep really well. Not good for every day though. I have cuts all over my feet from my shoes and cuts inside my legs where they rubbed together and my ankles feel like they're revolting.

My house is starting to look more like a house. Starting. In the midst of throwing this wedding, I've been trying to finish moving. There's still tons to do, but I can almost see my kitchen counters at least. I peeled a potato and shredded it with my mixer attachment and made hash browns with a fried egg. My first time using my stove and cooking real food in my new kitchen!

Now I just have a bunch of errands to run and then symphonic choir rehearsal tonight. Sushi for dinner! Yay Sad thing is that tomorrow ends my trial at the yoga college and I can't afford to keep going until I get some income.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Stairmaster - Posh I Say!

I think I climbed up and down the steps to my apartment no less than 50 times today. Given that there's about 20 steps, that's about 1000 steps I did. Not to mention the carrying things each way and the unloading them into the new place. Even though my low-cost trial at the yoga college will be over soon, I don't feel guilty about missing today. I'm so tired! Moving is a freaking huge amount of exercise!
The downside is that I consumed so many calories (chili-cheese fries at Carl's Junior anyone?) to probably blow an entire day of exercise out of counting. Tomorrow is a new day.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Redecorating

I decided to make my blog pretty. The photo is one I took in my voice teachers garden. I really like it for some reason. I also figured out how to look up color hex codes to make the colors more interesting. These colors make me think of yoga and relaxing. So they shall hopefully inspire!
I also added a bikini goal to my bucket list.

Fear and Loathing the Scale

I haven't weighed myself for probably a week now. It's usually the first thing I do when I get up in the morning (after I relieve myself of extra water weight of course). I kind of think I want to wait until I go to WW this Friday to find out how bad the verdict is. I tried to pack less food and healthier food than I normally do for camping. Although you can only be so healthy when you're camping. A whole package of pinwheels doesn't help. - on a side note, Paul ate half my pinwheels and a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies and I guarantee you he'll lose this week the bastard! - But I didn't eat the entire time. And that's usually what happens when you don't hike or fish or bike or swim or play. I did visit the Austin hotsprings though, so that was an activity if not very active.
At any rate, I made small strides.
I had meant to go to yoga tonight. I really miss it. The thing with yoga is that I get really really frustrated when I'm there. I can't hardly do half the poses properly because of my own body being in my way. But I can tell that it's made a difference. I frickin chopped wood this weekend. Like with a giant axe and everything. I chopped through a small tree trunk that had fallen down and I hauled a bunch of dead wood to use for kindling. Mountain Woman! But on previous trips, I wouldn't have bothered, and the novelty of it would have worn off with my fatigue way sooner. I feel stronger. Of all of the exercise endeavors that I have ventured on, I have never really felt stronger. It's kind of weird actually. As much as I keep telling myself that I just have to be patient with myself, I should really start to believe it. Because in spite of how lame I feel compared to the other people in my yoga class, I'm at my personal best. Which is great!

In spite of all of this positivity, I ate McDonalds tonight (I had a coupon okay!) and completely spaced going to my yoga class. I was so mad because I didn't go last night due to being tired from camping. I was gung ho to go today. But I forgot. So I made Paul go on a 20 minute walk with me. At least I got some exercise. I also realize now why I have not gone on 20 minutes walks in my neighborhood. There are no streetlights on our street. It's so dark you can't even see the ground in front of you unless a car goes by! Perhaps the new apartment will have better evening walking conditions.

Moving should be some good exercise. I've kind of given up on the whole eating thing. I get annoyed right now at even having to try. I don't get the smug sense of accomplishment when I've chosen the healthier option. I'm annoyed more than anything. So activity is my saving grace right now until I feel less bitter about what I should eat. Strangely enough, I was watching a tv show about crazy women on crazy diets, and the raw foods diet sounds like it's not so bad. Well, actually, it sounds like a hell of a lot of work and effort just to make food that you can eat. But what you actually end up consuming sounds really good. I was thinking maybe I would do raw food just one or two days a week. Just so that I could feel like I was getting something healthy to compete with the justification of McDonalds on other days. You have to juice and blend and dehydrate lots though. I could deal with liquid diet days, as long as they were consistant. Hell, blending a smoothie for a meal is tons easier than trying to figure out what to cook for dinner most nights. I think this is something I may try to pursue after I'm employed and moved though. Right now would just make it a chore rather than a help.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I hate being fat. I hate trying to not be fat. I hate the process. I hate that it never has an end result. I hate not being able to afford the things that work. I hate it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

2 steps back

What a 3 day weekend. There were far too many calories by alcohol. And far too much neglecting of the yoga class. I mentioned that I danced at Darren's dirty thirty. Sunday Paul and I went to my parents and freed my piano for the vortex. The poor dear thing needs to be completely refinished and the panel that's above the keyboard cover and holds the music stand is completely broken. It may need some reconstructive surgery.
Yesterday I kidnapped Coover and Frannie and took them to the sakery. I think SakeOne is probably one of my favorite places to just be. It's an adorable facility, there's a cute porch and a cute picnic area. A really cool japanese mural painted on the side of the factory. It's just lovely. Problem is that I have made no effort to establish the number of points that sake costs. I kind of feel like there are some things that I just want to enjoy without having to worry about my weight all the time. Sake is one of those things. Then again, I kind of feel like this is allowing food to control my emotions and thus control me. Not so good. I really hate having to think about it so hard. There are people that are perfectly healthy that don't have to think so hard about being so. It gets to be very frustrating. After sake, we went to Coovers and made a lovely dinner. Frannie and I tried to make up for my missed yoga class by doing yoga in the yard while Coover cooked the steaks. It probably wasn't nearly as effective as going to class, but it was something!

I was going to go to yoga today, but I decided that I just wasn't up for it. I will definately go tomorrow regardless of my feelings towards it. I did get a bit of exercise from packing today. I was going to call the complex we applied to, but I decided to just stop by on my way home. I went in to ask about whether he'd found an apartment for us closer to our moving date (October). He said he hadn't, but he had one we could move into now. I was a bit upset at first, but he worked it out so that our first month is free, and he discounted our deposits. So now we have the entire month of September to move, and I can start teaching students out of our house sooner. We can start moving next week. I wasn't really planning on moving next week though, so I started packing when I got home today. So far I have some of the kitchen done and a few boxes of books and odds and ends. But it occurred to me how much work this is really going to be. It's not just moving for me this time. It's completely reorganizing and reprioritizing. Hopefully this will be the last place we live before we buy a house. Problem is, that we need to pay off our debt before we buy, which will probably take anywhere from 5 to 10 years. I don't want to live there 5 to 10 years with a bunch of stuff that's just waiting for another closet in a house. It just feels silly to me to own stuff just to own it. So basically I have many Craigslist ads to post and many trips to Goodwill in my future. At any rate, this large distraction might be a bit difficult to deal with as far as my exercise routine. Then again, moving in and of itself is exercise.

I haven't weighed myself in a couple days. I think I'm going to avoid it for awhile. I base too much of my mood on what my scale says. I know I'm getting more tone and definition regardless of my scale. I must find hope and happiness in this fact!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dancing Queen!

I went out last night for Darren's dirty thirty. I watched a UCF fight for the first time, and that was interesting, but actually fun to my surprise. During some of the fights I had to sit on the floor because the room was full. I am such a nerd because I kept shifting to try to get a good stretch as long as I was down there. I didn't get to go to yoga yesterday at all and I won't get to go today either. So I amused at myself because I kept wanting to stretch all day. Afterward we went to Puffs. I was totally surprised when I went to dance and I found myself able to stay on the floor longer than I could before and while my thighs felt the burn - yeah, I have to drop it like it's hot or it's pointless - it wasn't nearly as bad as it was last time I went dancing. Yoga has given me more dancing skills! Oh, and when songs said to bend over to the front and touch your toes, I could do it. And I wanted to do it so I could stretch haha!

Friday, August 28, 2009


I put my Sigg bottle in the freezer yesterday to take to yoga class and I forgot about it. Unfortunately I forgot about it longer than I should have. Ice is mean!

I had my WW meeting today. It's nice to have a group of people that are supportive and encouraging. Even if you only see them once a week. I have 9 pounds to lose to get my 10% goal. November will be a year that I've been going to Weight Watchers. I think I'm going to make it my goal to lose the 9 pounds by then. If I can't lose 9 pounds in 3 months, I guess I'll have to rethink my goals and what weight loss really means to me. I've been trying to lose this same weight though since January. It's kind of stupid actually that I'm dragging my feet this much. I think I need to start by going to get another sigg bottle.

Bucket List Inspired by Jami!

My old friend Jami from Pacific is going to be my anti-fatty blog buddy I think :) We've been following each others blogs and she had a great idea to make a bucket list of things she'd like to be able to do in her life. I think this is a great idea. So here is my list of things I'd like to be able to do as a healthy person:

- Get pregnant and half the cutest belly jutting from a thin frame.
- Get through a workout without thinking to myself how fat I am and how this is going to help me not be.
- Be able to go for a run without feeling like I'm going to die.
- Be able to get through a yoga class without my feet hurting.
- Rockclimb
- Play softball again.
- Teach my kids (whenever they get here) to eat in a healthy way (instead of to self medicate)
- Be able to play with my nephews and my future kids at things that require more physical activity like hikes or sports games or running in circles!
- Not die of or battle heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, etc...
- Justify spending money on a bike because I know I'll use it as much if not more than my car.
- Wear a bikini that I picked out becuase it's cute, not because it hides the cellulite. Not because it covers the right places. Becuase it's cute. And I want to be cute in it.

I'm sure I'll add more to this at some point. This seems like the list that's usually running through my head though.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Oh So Emo

I debated about going to yoga. It's one of the only days that they offer the late class, and I really wanted to go for that reason. But about an hour beforehand, I just really didn't feel like going. I also didn't drink any water to prepare for class first. And I lost track of time and started to make cake. So, when I saw what time it was, I decided that yoga was a better choice than cake. The class was really small, and it was an instructor that I really like. I started out pretty strong, but I was having a really difficult time focusing because I kept being distracted by how fat I am. Part of it was that there was this lady I haven't seen in classes before there that was skinny and gorgeous and had the best legs I've ever seen. She looked like she was probably in her late 40's. It was depressing to feel less attractive at 25 than this woman twice my age. I noticed that she was struggling with some of the poses and that made me feel slightly better. But then the headache and the dizziness from not hydrating started to set in and then I let myself get upset. I left the hot room to see if my head would feel a bit better and then went back into the class. I didn't feel like it was the best idea to finish out the sets because I wasn't warmed up anymore and I hadn't done have the poses to prepare for the deeper stretches. I think I'm going to wait until Saturday to go again. Hopefully I can fit it in somewhere between work and a party I'm going to. (happy birthday Darren!!)
I still want cake really bad. But I decided to try to eat salad first and see if I'm still hungry. I'm not hungry. But I want cake. Good thing I'm too lazy to make it now. I decided today too that every time I try to make buttermilk ranch dressing as lowfat as possible, I end up not eating it. So I decided to make it normal so it actually tastes good, and just not use too much when I eat. I also took the liberty of blending an avocado into half the batch. You can't really taste it, but the consistency is really delicious.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

And again

Went to yoga today at 4:30 instead of my usual 8:15 time (they only offer that time M,T, & Th). I've been trying the other times of the day to see what I like better. 9am is somewhat crowded, 6:30 is really crowded and really really hot. 4:30 today was fairly roomy and ridiculously hot, but that's because the instructor didn't know how to use the fans. It actually really sucked because I couldn't do near as much because I was too hot, so she opened the doors, which cooled it off, but too quickly. Then she figured out the fans right after which completely dried me off. So I was really hot, but the burning itchy kind of hot rather than the warm wet kind of hot. Which makes any contact to your skin rather painful. But I did get through the class. I didn't get emotional. I was very okay with allowing myself to just endure the heat lying on my back instead of pushing myself through the postures. And I wasn't angry for not pushing myself harder. Overall, it was a fairly good class.
I've been noticing that I have a really hard time not allowing my eyes to wander around the room. I like to see what other people are doing and how good they are. There's this little brown man that has been in a few of my classes that's amazing. Outside the room is a poster of all the postures demonstrated by Bikram done to their perfect point and this guy is on the verge of getting there. It really makes you appreciate it too when you're just trying to get the first step down. I feel like my body is starting to change every so slightly. My thighs don't feel quite so massive and that's good. When I start losing clothing sizes, I will really be happy. But I think my diet needs to get on board with this exercise thing. I'm craving french fries right now and I know that's definitely going to hold me back!

Hatha Yoga postures

I got this off of the website for the yoga place I go to. I also found out on their website that they have a free class on the first Saturday of the month at 11am. I have to teach at that time at Beacocks, but perhaps in a month or two I will be done there and can take some people if they want to go.

Hatha Yoga Postures

PosturesPostures
  1. Standing Deep Breathing
  2. Half Moon Pose
  3. Awkward Pose
  4. Eagle Pose
  5. Standing Head To Knee Pose
  6. Standing Bow Pulling Pose
  7. Balancing Stick
  8. Balancing Separate Leg Stretching
  9. Triangle Pose
  10. Standing Separate Leg Head To Knee Pose
  11. Tree Pose
  12. Toe Stand Pose
  13. Dead Body Pose
  14. Wind Removing Pose
  15. Sit-up
  16. Cobra Pose
  17. Locust Pose
  18. Full Locust Pose
  19. Bow Pose
  20. Fixed Firm Pose
  21. Half Tortoise Pose
  22. Camel Pose
  23. Rabbit Pose
  24. Separate Leg Stretching Pose
  25. Spine Twisting Pose
  26. Blowing In Firm Pose

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pushing onward

I didn't get to go to yoga yesterday because I didn't really plan very well. So I was glad to get to go today. On a day like today, yoga is the only thing that gets me off my couch. At any rate, I went to the late class, which I think is my favorite the more I go to different class times. It's less hot and less crowded. It was led by someone different than I expected, but I liked her so it was good. I'm starting to realize that even though every class is the same, the instructors can really make a difference in how hard I push myself. I pushed today. The standing series is an hour long and it's meant to build strength and balance. I have a very difficult time with some of it because my feet start to hurt really badly. I asked her about this after class and she said that it was very normal and that I just needed to build strength in my feet, which would come with time. I tried to work through the pain as much as I could, but I had to stop and massage my feet out after I started several poses. Once we got to the sitting series, it was mostly smooth sailing until I got a splitting headache about halfway in. The nice thing is that between each pose you lay on your back and get your breath back. This really helped my head feel better quickly. But I couldn't really do the rabbit pose where you sit on your knees and roll forward on your head to stretch out your spine.
I asked the instructor about what to do when I get really emotional in class as well. She said if I just needed to sit and cry in the class it would be fine and that nobody would really notice if it was tears or sweat because everyone's all sweaty anyway. She also commended me for coming to 6 classes in 9 days. I've already noticed and improvement in my flexibility. There is one pose where you stand with your legs spread and attempt to get your forehead to the floor with your hands behind your ankles. I was able to get my hands to my feet for about 20 seconds today and I haven't been able to do that yet. Normally I use my hands to support my torso so I don't stretch down too far. I went to class on a fairly full stomach which made some of the torso stretches really uncomfortable. I'll have to remember not to eat so much even hours beforehand if I don't want to feel like my gut is pushing against my ribs.

Now I'm eating rocky road ice cream. But I'm only have one scoop. I feel I've earned it. Sort of. I should probably not be eating at all considering I had olive garden for lunch today (we couldn't afford it, but Paul's been working 10 consecutive days, so I felt like he needed it) and I didn't choose healthy options because I wanted to enjoy myself for a change. Tomorrow will be better. Although being so dirt poor makes it difficult to purchase healthy food. I have tons of pasta and no veggies. Oh well. Perhaps it's time to consider taking a break from Weight Watchers. It will be a year in November and only 9 pounds of weight loss on my part. I think I either need to buckle down and earn the privilege of going, or I need to take a break for a few months. It's a bit more difficult when you can't afford food though.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Suck

I was so excited to go to yoga this morning. I didn't get to go yesterday because of work, and I've been kind of sore so I was looking forward to stretching some of my soreness out. I got there on time, and there was even a really pretty song on the classical music station on the way there. I put my mat down early and sat outside the room to wait for class. I went in to lay down and acclimate to the heat. People were still coming in and getting ready for class. When I stood up to start, I found that a woman had put her mat directly in front of mine so I couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror at all (very important). I figured I'd trudge along and do the best I could. But then I realized further in that the people next to me were so close that I couldn't stretch without being distracted by trying not to hit them. The class was kind of full. The distraction started to make me angry and then I started getting frustrated with my limited ability to do the poses properly. Finally I just got angry and upset. I moved my mat toward the back of the room (which you're not really supposed to do) so that I could have some more space hoping I would calm down a little bit. I sat down and tried working on some of my stretches that way and then the instructor came and told me to try it standing. This pushed me over the edge and I left the room crying. After I'd collected myself I came back to the class. My motivation to really push myself was pretty much gone so I just tried to get through it. I managed to get to the end of class and left immediately. I still feel pretty good now, but that really sucked. It also is starting to really suck being the fat kid in class. Everyone else manages to get themselves into all of the poses except me. I end up spending most of my time just trying not to fall over. But ultimately I still feel great, so I'm going to keep going. Hopefully I'll lose enough body fat to actually be able to get into some of the positions.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Because status updates aren't enough

I've decided that I want a better outlet for chronicling my various ventures into getting skinny. Most people that know me are aware that I am always working on this. So I'm going to attempt to spare the people I know all the details whenever I see them by writing them down here instead. We'll see if that happens!

Mostly right now I just want to talk about Bikram Yoga.
I started the monthly low cost trial on Monday last week. I started that day at the 8:15 evening class. I made it through, but spent the majority of my time just standing there on my mat trying not to throw up or pass out. The room is heated to 105 degrees. This makes it kind of difficult the first few times. After class I felt really exhausted and refreshed at the same time. You sweat like CRAZY and there are so many toxins leaving your body, even if all you do is stand there and breathe.
I went again at the same time on Tuesday night. I didn't get the sick or dizzy stuff again and I did each pose once even if I couldn't do them twice like your supposed to. I felt so good afterward! Wednesday I went to an earlier evening class. I didn't have that sick feeling at all, but I felt totally drained and I couldn't even get through the whole class. I think part of it was that the room was hotter than it had been before, and the class was really full so there was more heat to contend with. There were also several more new people that left the room in the middle, and it's so much easier to give in when someone else has made it okay. I was so upset with myself for not at least staying in the room even if I couldn't participate. It felt like a step backwards.
Yesterday I went to class at 9am. The room was cooler than it had been in the evenings, but still pretty warm (probably around 103 degrees) and the class was small. I got through every pose and it's repeat except for three when my shoulders started cramping so hard I thought I would start to cry from the pain. I am still a bit sore from that and from being able to really push into some of the stretches more than I had been able to before. I talked to the instructor afterward about some things I could do to keep from cramping. He told me I might want to eat something small like fruit before class to give me that little bit of extra energy and potassium. I got to ask about some of the breathing techniques too because they use a couple of different methods that are different from singing.

So right now on a scale of 1-10
Balance - 3
Strength - 3
Endurance - 5
Flexibility - 4

I feel like these are the things that matter to me with yoga more than the losing weight or being skinny. Some of the poses I can't even begin to get into because I just have too much body fat getting in my way. I think my skills will improve as my body does.