I'm watching the new episode of say yes to the dress and there's a girl on that has lost 120 pounds. The first thing I looked at was her arms. They were thin! I have hope. I hate my arms. Besides my belly, I think I am most self conscious about my arms. I won't elaborate, everyone will stop reading.
At any rate, her huge amount of weight loss made me think about the lap band. I watched The View this morning and a football player had lost a bunch of weight with the lap band. They had a doctor on the show with one and she showed how it worked. So I decided to look up how fat you have to be to qualify to have it and how much it costs. I found out that you have to have a bmi of 40 or more to get it, and that I have a bmi of 30.9. This is actually great news. When I did a fitness test a few years ago at 24 hour fitness they said my bmi was something like 39. I'm kind of excited about the improvement. Although, I am kind of sad that I can't do something that significant. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would feel like not to have so much body. I try to think of how my face would look, how clothes would fit, how easy it would be to run. I can imagine what it's like, but having never really experienced it, I have a hard time accepting that it could ever be reality.
This brings me to my next subject. The weekend off of tracking turned into a whole week off of tracking. Bad choice. While I didn't do terrible in my choices and portions this week, I probably ate far more than I should have in points. Today was the worst. I went to Burger King to use a coupon that was going to expire. We ate our Whoppers and then about an hour later we decided we were both still hungry. Instead of pulling out the salad mix from the fridge, we decide to eat an entire pepperoni pizza between the two of us. I ate 4 slices. 4!!!!! Paul only ate 3!!! And he eats too much on a consistent basis!!!!! I feel like I'm going to weight watchers hell. Even the 20 minute mile I walked today doesn't feel like compensation. I have no excuse for eating that much. And you'd think I'd feel gross and full as punishment. But I was still hungry! I seriously do not understand what is going on with me!
I think I need therapy or something. I found a quiz on webmd to see if you should consider weight loss surgery. They said that not only am I too thin, but I know too much about nutrition to need it. So why, when I know so much about nutrition, do I always seem to sabotage myself? I get going and I do well and then I eat half a pizza. I even know that the reason I was so hungry after eating such horrible food is that I had no fiber today and that my stomach wasn't sending the hormone signals to my brain telling me I'm satisfied. Fiber is a miracle.
It's like I'm afraid of the happiness I might feel if I take care of myself well enough to be the person I imagine I could be. The quiz suggested that I do lower impact exercise on a consistent basis. Like walking every day. I could do better with that. Especially when I have so much free time. I'm knitting 3 projects at the same time right now. This is all I do with my day. No wonder I'm fat. I need to get a life! Maybe I should knit on the treadmill! I hate being in this cycle. I wish I could just hit a restart button and have the fat melt off of me. Wouldn't that be a billion dollar discovery! Then at least I could go on a frickin honeymoon with all the time I have.
Please don't offer me suggestions about things I can do. I'm tired of hearing them. I know better. I'm just a whiny bitch sometimes.
Tomorrow, I track. My new goal: do well enough not to have these emo woe is me posts anymore.