Well, I was feeling so great about my progress and then my house of cards collapsed ever so slowly. I had the girl at the nail salon ask me if I was pregnant.
NO. JUST FAT. THANKS FOR ASKING.
This morning at dragon boat practice I kind of lost it. My back hurt because I can't afford to get it adjusted at the chiropractor, I couldn't breathe because my inhaler's almost empty because we can't afford for me to go to the doctor to refill the prescription. The boat was off balance so I had to lean to bury my blade which exacerbated the first two problems more. I also didn't have any wax for my paddle so I had to grip it harder which made me more tense and hurt my wrists. The last insult to injury is that I got seated in the back of the boat where the gunnel curves a bit and the seats are closer together and more narrow. The best part is that our coach filmed us today.
I've been really trying to push myself so that I don't get cut from races anymore. I show up to every practice. I work as hard as I can when I'm there. I go out of my way to do things to get better (including my calorie counting and asking for help from other paddlers whenever I can). I want to be an asset. So the fact that I probably looked like I wasn't trying on video was not very encouraging. The longer stretches of paddling really started to irritate my low back and my lungs and I had to stop to relieve the pressure a few times. Needless to say I was so mad and frustrated with myself for not being able to push through it, at least while we were being filmed, that I ended up crying. And then I was ashamed of myself for crying.
Typically boating has been a really great place to relieve stress. Today didn't offer much relief. The waiting game for this job that I want so badly is taking its toll on my nerves, and all of the things that depend on getting this job are starting to weigh down. Perhaps if I can learn to power through these kinds of passages in life I can learn to power through the pain when I'm boating too. I guess that's probably what sets successful people apart from the rest.
I didn't count my calories last night and I probably ate tons more than I should have but today is a new day and now I'll be motivated to spend the rest of the week fixing it. It's actually kind of frightening how big of an affect food has on us. If anything else influenced our mood, our health, our day-to-day living as much we'd be screwed!