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Round 2 Day 16

I wish this post had as much positive enthusiasm as the last, but it's been kind of a difficult week. I woke up this morning with a mild headache feeling like I had a hangover. I couldn't think straight and  just felt worn out. I put in for a sub for the morning and went back to bed. After some cold brew and Tylenol I forced myself to teach my afternoon classes, but I'm tired and still feel the pressure on my skull.

Yesterday I woke up in a rage. Rage over the grocery shopping I spent the ENTIRE weekend trying to take care of. Rage over the food I couldn't eat to calm the rage. Rage over how I can't control anyone but myself. Rage over the stupidly over-positive encouraging crap in the day-to-day book I've been using. Shut up book! I'm mad and I want to be mad! I don't want to be told how I can fix it! I just want to be mad!

These seem to be the monologues that keep going around and around in my head.

Angry Feminist Monologue
When did all of the grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking/cleaning/worrying about what everyone eats become my sole responsibility in my family? And why did it get that way? Mostly it got that way because I volunteered and because I care more and am a better cook. But damn if it wouldn't be nice for someone else to worry about my health and to figure out how to nicely cook a meal for me once in awhile. And if I believe this way of eating to be the best, why then should I go against my convictions to plan and purchase food for my family that I know is not going to help them be healthy. Food that, in fact, will make them sick in the long run.

Failing Minimalist Monoluge
If I'm going to the trouble of buying all of this food that we CAN and SHOULD eat, then what would be the point of storing food that we SHOUDN'T. My home should be a reflection of my values. If my values are to eat what is best most of the time, shouldn't the most space in my kitchen cupboards reflect that? Isn't it easier and less mental energy to reject foods that I can't have if I don't have to see them all the time anyway? And if I can't reward myself with food, is it really better to reward myself with stuff? Isn't it just adding to the stuff I already have too much of? FML

Whole30 Conviction Monologue
If I know that this is the optimal diet for optimal energy and growth and the best way to prevent health problems and unhealthy eating habits, it's my obligation as a parent to do best by my kids. So shouldn't I really push to do this for them? I can't make my husband do this for himself (even if I truly believe that he needs to) because it won't work unless he wants it for himself. But I can make my kids do it because it's my responsibility as a parent to take care of them. But it's also really really really difficult to have the will-power for them when I'm struggling to have it for myself. And it's even more difficult when I don't have a partner with the same conviction who honestly believes that this is good for all of us too. I could go to the trouble of finding meals and foods that my kids will eat that are compliant but then I'm spreading myself even thinner (see Angry Feminist Monologue) and it feels really unfair to have this knowledge alone in my family.

I've been reading the Whole30 message boards and scouring the internet for blog posts to find encouragement. I know that I don't have it as rough as some others. There are people that have done whole30 and been completely sabotaged by their partners - made to feel stupid and small in public because they didn't want to drink, or were belittled for eating "weird". There are parents that HAD to put their kids on this detox because they had severe behavioral or health issues and had to be strong for their kids for very severe and present reasons. I should count my blessings, not the least of which is my ability to afford what I need to eat and to have access to a very wide variety of foods.

If my first round taught me anything it's that this funk shall pass. But for now, it's very much what I'm experiencing and I'll just have to figure out how to cope without food.

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