Skip to main content

Round 2 Day 16

I wish this post had as much positive enthusiasm as the last, but it's been kind of a difficult week. I woke up this morning with a mild headache feeling like I had a hangover. I couldn't think straight and  just felt worn out. I put in for a sub for the morning and went back to bed. After some cold brew and Tylenol I forced myself to teach my afternoon classes, but I'm tired and still feel the pressure on my skull.

Yesterday I woke up in a rage. Rage over the grocery shopping I spent the ENTIRE weekend trying to take care of. Rage over the food I couldn't eat to calm the rage. Rage over how I can't control anyone but myself. Rage over the stupidly over-positive encouraging crap in the day-to-day book I've been using. Shut up book! I'm mad and I want to be mad! I don't want to be told how I can fix it! I just want to be mad!

These seem to be the monologues that keep going around and around in my head.

Angry Feminist Monologue
When did all of the grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking/cleaning/worrying about what everyone eats become my sole responsibility in my family? And why did it get that way? Mostly it got that way because I volunteered and because I care more and am a better cook. But damn if it wouldn't be nice for someone else to worry about my health and to figure out how to nicely cook a meal for me once in awhile. And if I believe this way of eating to be the best, why then should I go against my convictions to plan and purchase food for my family that I know is not going to help them be healthy. Food that, in fact, will make them sick in the long run.

Failing Minimalist Monoluge
If I'm going to the trouble of buying all of this food that we CAN and SHOULD eat, then what would be the point of storing food that we SHOUDN'T. My home should be a reflection of my values. If my values are to eat what is best most of the time, shouldn't the most space in my kitchen cupboards reflect that? Isn't it easier and less mental energy to reject foods that I can't have if I don't have to see them all the time anyway? And if I can't reward myself with food, is it really better to reward myself with stuff? Isn't it just adding to the stuff I already have too much of? FML

Whole30 Conviction Monologue
If I know that this is the optimal diet for optimal energy and growth and the best way to prevent health problems and unhealthy eating habits, it's my obligation as a parent to do best by my kids. So shouldn't I really push to do this for them? I can't make my husband do this for himself (even if I truly believe that he needs to) because it won't work unless he wants it for himself. But I can make my kids do it because it's my responsibility as a parent to take care of them. But it's also really really really difficult to have the will-power for them when I'm struggling to have it for myself. And it's even more difficult when I don't have a partner with the same conviction who honestly believes that this is good for all of us too. I could go to the trouble of finding meals and foods that my kids will eat that are compliant but then I'm spreading myself even thinner (see Angry Feminist Monologue) and it feels really unfair to have this knowledge alone in my family.

I've been reading the Whole30 message boards and scouring the internet for blog posts to find encouragement. I know that I don't have it as rough as some others. There are people that have done whole30 and been completely sabotaged by their partners - made to feel stupid and small in public because they didn't want to drink, or were belittled for eating "weird". There are parents that HAD to put their kids on this detox because they had severe behavioral or health issues and had to be strong for their kids for very severe and present reasons. I should count my blessings, not the least of which is my ability to afford what I need to eat and to have access to a very wide variety of foods.

If my first round taught me anything it's that this funk shall pass. But for now, it's very much what I'm experiencing and I'll just have to figure out how to cope without food.


Popular posts from this blog

Things I've Learned from the Sims 3

I've been playing an overabundance of Sims 3 the last few days. It's kind of a weird addiction because you're living life, but you're not living life. Anyway I had a realization that I've had many times already but I had it again. You don't get anything you don't work for.

In the game you can improve your sims skills by having them spend time practicing different skills. There's several like cooking, playing guitar, charisma, and fitness. The different sims you make can have personality traits that improve their ability to learn different skills but ultimately they have to practice to obtain any of them.

Even though it's a simulation of reality it's probably more honest than actual reality.  The point being, how many times have I tried to tell myself that I just have to find another way to get healthy because the thing I'm doing isn't working. The reality is that it probably is working I just have to keep doing it and keep improving my s…

Warrior 3 FTW

This yoga stuff is starting to really grow on me. Tonight I made it to my third class with the same instructor at 24 hour. I decided to put my mat about halfway back the room right next to the window. There was a little patch of mirror so I could see myself but not the whole time.

I was really surprised at how much I've progressed in such a short time. I think I'm starting to understand the flow of the movement which really helps. I also know where I'm supposed to end up when she calls out a pose like warrior 1, 2, or 3, or low versus high lunge. I was able to actually go into a full warrior 3 pose with my right leg as a base! I held it for probably a good 10 seconds before I started to lose my balance and had to catch myself but I was pretty proud of myself for getting my leg in a straight line behind me.

Then she had us try standing split pose. I'll take my victory with warrior 3 thank you very much!

I still haven't lost any weight, but I am really feeling good a…

Why Yes I'd Like Fries With That

Charlotte will be 2 in June. This means that I have been trying for almost 2 years to shed the 40 pounds I gained in pregnancy. I'm halfway there, but these last 20 pounds are a bitch to lose.

So far I've adjusted my diet toward more whole grain and power types of foods like chia seeds, local honey, fruits and vegetables, and healthy oils like coconut and safflower oil. My kitchen pantry is like a showcase of Trader Joes, New Seasons and Bob's Red Mill. I've also been pretty good about going to yoga once a week. But this is obviously inadequate.

I know this isn't particularly profound but I've been realizing that your body is the physical appearance of what you do to take care of it. Exercise tones and shapes it. Healthy foods make it glow. Stress wears it out. Trans-fats make it flubby. Throw in a late-night visit to McDonalds and more than a few trips to starbucks (why would I want it nonfat and sugar free? I don't want to taste the coffee!), a not-so-rec…