It's been 10 days since I started my juice cleanse and have been gluten free. Thursday I drove with Charlotte out to the beach for my delightful friend Bri's birthday beach weekend. I nearly cried for having to leave earlier than I wanted to for work. I managed to eat pretty healthy and I avoided gluten too until Friday morning. My friend Caitlin made the most amazing strata for breakfast. Faced with the choice between strata and.... well nothing, I chose to have a small piece. It was pretty worth it...until I saw pictures of my my wide butt running down the beach in stretch pants, rolls of my belly protruding under my tank top between the elastic bands of my belt and my sports bra. Images that had me nearly sick with disgust at my own appearance. I don't blame the strata. The strata was not the culprit. So what is?
When I got home and weighed myself I wasn't surprised to see that the scale was moving up instead of down. I figured I'd gain some back from what I lost on my cleanse, but I didn't expect to see it continue to move up.
Tonight was frustrating. After the market I went to meet my family at Red Robin for dinner to celebrate my nephew's birthday (I had to miss his party because of the market). On the drive there I contemplated what I should eat and narrowed it down to two possible choices. I looked over their gluten free menu offerings when I got there and chose to get the bruschetta chicken sandwich just without the bun.
While we were waiting for food I decided to download the livestrong app to see if I couldn't get a better idea of why I'm not losing any weight. I feel like I've really cut down on my portion sizes and considering the number of calories I've refused in avoiding wheat and gluten I thought there had to be something I'm missing. I put in my food for the day into the app and discovered that according to their calculations I've been eating far more calories than I should for weight loss. No wonder. Red robin fries and honey mustard dressing didn't help.
It was about then that my meal came: a sad greyish piece of chicken patty with fake grill marks covered in melted cheese next to a pile of wilting lettuce. In the middle of the plate was a heaping plastic cup of "garlic aoli" which is a fancy way of saying mayonnaise. I took one look at the plate and gave it back to the waiter saying I wasn't hungry anyway. This was the item suggested in their gluten free menu. I expected at least a tomato or something. So I sat guzzling water while everyone else enjoyed their meal. Even though I really wasn't hungry it was still frustrating to sit on the verge of tears not participating in the act of eating, and more frustrating that I felt like I had gotten a handle on my diet and wasn't even close.
I've hit my wall. I'm tired of being this size, I'm tired of being tired. If I have to eat nothing but carrot sticks and kale to get my fat ass to look good in a pair of jeans I will do it. I will run, I will sweat, I will not eat. End of story.