Sunday, July 15, 2012

Getting Positive

I'm not sorry to report that I've just polished off an english muffin topped with Kenny & Zukes pastrami and a few slices of smoked sharp cheddar. Not sorry at all. Actually, it was pretty much amazing. What I am sorry about is the bowl of ice cream I ate a couple hours ago followed by a piece of bread from Great Harvest. I wouldn't feel so bad except that before I went and got myself my bowl of ice cream I thought to myself, I don't even really want it, I just know that it's there and thus I'm going to have some.  Halfway through eating it I stopped enjoying it, and I should have just tossed the rest. But I didn't.

I'm watching extreme makeover weight-loss edition right now. The girl on the show is about 300 pounds overweight and has come up with every excuse in the book to sabotage herself. As I'm listening to excuse after excuse it's really easy to see that none of them hold water and eventually she's going to have to deal with her demons and just effing do what she's supposed to do. So why do I let myself make the same excuses? What her trainer is finding is that her biggest obstacle is positivity. When she gets positive she succeeds. Perhaps I need to take some of this away for myself.

Last week was an interesting adventure in hormone-land. Typically when I hit my pms wall it's a couple days of extreme depression followed by the insane cravings for chocolate and salt and then I wake up completely fine and wonder why I was ever so crazy. All-in-all it's about 3 or 4 days of nuttiness. This last round completely caught me off-guard. I was super tired and lethargic, (the humidity doesn't help) and not too depressive as far as I could tell. I got a call Thursday morning that I'd missed my physical therapy appointment. That's when I hit my low. I ended up crying on the phone because I felt bad for missing it and because I really wanted to go. My therapist called later in the evening to chat and talk about my appointment next week and it was all I could do to keep it together.

My therapist wanted me to e-mail her my food journal every day and I was doing it with the lose-it app. Problem is that when I knew I wanted to just have a day off the books (like my anniversary) I just wouldn't log anything. Giving myself that wiggle room has always been a problem. As soon as I stop tracking, I stop tracking. I'm going to talk to her at my next appointment about how I can do better and about doing my exercises at the gym instead of at home since they pretty much never happen at home.

I'm going to get past this! Right now I'm teetering between 191 and 192 lbs. I'm going to make it my goal to get under 190 in the next 10 days. This means I have to not only track my meals, I have to actually stay within my calorie ranges and get my exercise in!

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