Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Bottom of the Bottomless Pit

I'm in a slump. I really bad slump. A slump that I don't even know how to begin to solve slump.
Lately I've been a little more than busy and exercise just isn't happening. I've been a little less than happy and food is the key to my happiness lately.

Yesterday I had a "I'm turning 28 this month" reality check. I'm had a voice lesson where we decided to focus on my work to prepare for the met audition. For anyone that doesn't know the met audition is the new york  metropolitan opera competition where they award large cash prizes to winners and it's an opportunity for singers to "get discovered". I spent some time Friday evening researching it to find out when it is, what I need to do to prep for it, and who has done well in the past.
What I found is that past winners and mentionable participants have resumes that make me look like an amateur. And most of those participants are younger than I am. This combined with the fact that I can only participate 3 times before I'm too old and that I feel so behind in spite of my experience had me in tears in my lesson. And I didn't really realize it was because of my birthday this month until I started to think about it in the car on the way home and burst into tears.
Now, I know I'm not that old. And I know most of the people that are reading this are older. But that doesn't mean you didn't feel the same way when you turned 28!
In my unexpected mourning episode I started to think about how to be in better health as I approach what feels like a significant birthday now - significant because I've never cared about getting older until now. And as I started to go through the how-to list of things I could do I realized I really don't want to do anything.

I enjoy exercise but it's so hard to fit it in when I feel like I'm not doing the best job taking care of my baby. I'd work on couch to 5k again but I feel like it jacks up my body and I spend a fortune fixing it at the chiropractor. I'd eat better but it's nearly impossible without spending a bunch of extra money on food when I share meals with 4 other people most of the time. And it doesn't help that my appetite is ridiculous. I end up having second lunch, second dinner, first, second, and third dessert. I drink regular soda. I eat candy. I don't even hesitate when there's fried food to be had. I am a bottomless pit. I eat until I'm miserable, wait an hour, and eat again.

I feel like this whole weight loss thing has spiraled so far out of control and the worst of it is that I don't even care enough to really buckle down and do anything about it. It doesn't help that nobody in my household is willing to do anything remotely helpful to encourage or support me. I tried to convince Paul to train to run a 5k with me but he refuses. I feel like I've completely lost all motivation and all support to do better.

Typically I come up with some sort of solution to battle my frustrations when I get down on myself like this, but I'm out of ideas. Seriously. I don't even know if I believe that I'm ever going to know what it's like to be a healthy weight.

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