My Path to Outer Skinniness

I've decided I will never be on a diet again. Going on a diet has a mentality attached where there will be an end. You start the diet, it's intense, and then you hope to sustain the intensity long enough to reach a goal weight. Which never happens. At least not for me. I've been learning quite a bit about foods from some various documentaries and I have been slowly transitioning to a different style of eating. Today I watched the documentary  Hungry for Change . It's on Netflix in case you want to watch it. It's like they read my blog. Diets aren't working, exercise is too inconsistent, my food is uncontrollable. This documentary explains why diets don't work and what eating lifestyle you can adopt to be healthy. I also rewatched  Forks Over Knives  a few days ago. It basically makes the case that animal based foods are what make people sick. While I'm not ready to jump on the vegan bandwagon, I am willing to adjust toward a more vegan diet. Another ...

I've been thinking lately about whether I want to continue with this blog or not. I've been keeping it for a couple years now and you would think that with all of the ups and downs I would have gotten somewhere by now. The sad reality is that I've gotten pretty much nowhere. I just can't ever seem to push past the hump and get to a healthy weight. There's always some excuse or something holding me back. Years of dieting, tracking my calories and points, trying new exercise, trying to find something that will really stick have started to wear me out. I'm feeling motivated again but I can't help but wonder, is it enough? The prospect of trying to track my food intake and trying to exercise with little to no support at home is daunting at best. Our bathroom scale has had a dead battery for probably two months now. I have no idea how much I weigh right now, and other than my clothes not looking as good around the deflated inner tube that is my belly, I kind ...

Alright, when I wrote my last post I had hoped that this post would talk about how I started carrying Truvia packets in my purse and how I'd found naturally sweet alternatives to my refined sugar friends. Instead I humbly report that I've failed again. As of today I've somehow managed to gain 5 pounds as well. This is bad. This is really bad. Last summer I watched a marathon of Biggest Loser. I decided to make it a tradition. Nothing is quite as motivating as watching people twice my size work twice as hard as I do. The problem is that I sit there watching with tears in my eyes as these people work to make it happen for themselves and the reality is that I'm still sitting. I'm still having my mental hang ups. I'm still not believing I can do it, and I'm most definitely still stuck. I was thinking about the nature of exercise and it's purpose. Exercise is meant to keep us healthy so we can do more of the things we want to be able to do. Play with yo...

My taped up ankle.  About the only thing that is routine for me is my morning weigh in. I'm not gonna lie, I usually tinkle first so I weigh a little less. I always ball my fists to feel how bloated I am while I wait for me digital scale to asses my weight. 188.6 This is not what I wanted to see. Maybe I did have a ridiculously rich chocolate soufflé last night, but I should seriously be down more by now! It wouldn't even be so bad if I could finally fit into my size 14 pants, but that hasn't happened either. An entire wardrobe of useless size 14 clothing waits in a giant plastic bin for the day I finally shrink enough to fit in them. I ate a breakfast of leftover giant sushi, and a lunch of my remaining chocolate soufflé before going to physical therapy. I half contemplated canceling my appointment. But I decided to talk to my physical therapist, Tawnie, about my frustration instead. It occurred to me as I was driving that it's not her fault that I haven't ...

Last night as I was debating about whether to eat more food or not I started to think about the olympics and what the athletes must have to sacrifice in order to reach their goal of olympic gold. There's one commercial in particular that really makes the point that shows the perspective of the athletes as they perform their sports and state how they have not read a book, watched a tv show, or eaten at a restaurant in years. I wanted to post the video but I couldn't find it. I'll post it if I do. My goals may not be as lofty or as difficult as an olympic hopeful. I'm not in any rush to become a great athlete. But I do relate to having something I want - to be a healthy weight. It's something I've wanted for years. Since I was a teenager. For something I've wanted for so long, I certainly haven't sacrificed much to get it. Over and over again I've chosen things that hold me back. Sure, I can have cheese fries once in a great while, but it's not...

The last few days I've been in this weird limbo state where I'm second guessing how well I'm doing with this whole dieting thing. I've been here before. Finally I'm starting to feel a sense of equilibrium about my eating habits. I don't overeat, I eat pretty healthy for the most part and I'm not feeling deprived. And yet I have this doubt in the back of my head that anything that feels this maintainable must not be enough. The media is so inundated with ads and personalities that promise huge losses in a short amount of time.   I can't watch tv without seeing an ad for a diet program or a weight loss pill. There are a few gems like Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition that, although the participants are expensively supported, do offer some realistic ideas about what it takes lose large amounts of weight. I still tend to feel a bit of a disconnect from them however because a) I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose, and b) running ...

The picture you see here is of the coney fries at Roake's. I'm sure many have never experienced them, but for those that have, you cannot live knowing your health depends on your never having them again. The fries are skin-on and perfectly chewy and crispy at the same time. The coney sauce is spicy and rich, the cheese is gooey and fatty and delicious. The tomatoes add a fresh light juiciness to the otherwise rich meaty flavor. This to me is the epitome of greasy, grubby, fatty, over-indulgent, wonderful gut-busting food. Everyone has their one dish that completely destroys their healthy eating intentions. I'm sure to some this giant platter of deep fried mush looks absolutely repulsive. But for me, this is my best friend and my worst enemy. My mom, sister, and I have been using the lose-it app for awhile now and it's interesting how we all regard it differently. My mom and I are dieting veterans and take any restrictions on our eating habits with a grain of salt....

I'm not sorry to report that I've just polished off an english muffin topped with Kenny & Zukes pastrami and a few slices of smoked sharp cheddar. Not sorry at all. Actually, it was pretty much amazing. What I am sorry about is the bowl of ice cream I ate a couple hours ago followed by a piece of bread from Great Harvest. I wouldn't feel so bad except that before I went and got myself my bowl of ice cream I thought to myself, I don't even really want it, I just know that it's there and thus I'm going to have some.  Halfway through eating it I stopped enjoying it, and I should have just tossed the rest. But I didn't. I'm watching extreme makeover weight-loss edition right now. The girl on the show is about 300 pounds overweight and has come up with every excuse in the book to sabotage herself. As I'm listening to excuse after excuse it's really easy to see that none of them hold water and eventually she's going to have to deal with her d...

Today I had my first full therapy session complete with workout and stretches. It wasn't too intense because I didn't have my inhaler today but I can see where I'm going to be sore! I have a set of exercises to do at home to start out and then she'll have me doing some work at the gym later on. So far this feels a lot more like having a personal trainer than having therapy. I've been assigned the task of eating 100 grams of protein per day. She gave me some suggestions for foods I can be eating to get closer to this number every day. She's told me how much she likes the app I send my daily reports with. I debated about adjusting the settings to have me lose 1.5 pounds per week instead of 2 which would allow me to have 1500 instead of 1300 calories every day. I decided to keep it at 1300 calories because I tend to go up to about 1500 anyway. If I allow 1500 I'll probably go over that too, so better to stay lower. So far, still good.

Yesterday I had my initial consultation with my physical therapist. I had asked my doctor for a referral so I could get my abs worked back to center. She sent me to CH Physical Therapy. I have to say I feel a sense of hope like I've never had before. Tawnie, my therapist, measured my mobility and asked me what all of my issues were. After just a few minutes I already felt like the problems I have were not only better but were going to be better in the long run. She told me that we'd work on getting me to a place where my feet, calves, and shins don't hurt when I run, that I'd lose weight, and that I'd be able to keep it off. She also told me she has 3 kids, lost 65 pounds 6 years ago and hasn't gained it back. She knows what she's doing! So part of my program is to send her my daily food log in an e-mail. Lucky for me, I have the Lose It! app that makes this really easy to do. Speaking of which, I've managed to lose some weight! Almost 5 poun...

It's only been 5 days using the lose it! app but I wanted to check in on it. So far I see positives and negatives. The positives are that it's really easy to use. It lets me scan barcodes and so far it's found info for everything I scanned. I'm also far more aware of what I'm eating and the reward that exercise brings. The negatives are that I've gone over my calorie limit every day so far and I can't really tell if I've lost anything yet. My weight fluctuates enough that a two pound loss isn't very obvious because it could just be that I'm less bloated or it's a different time of the day. I also feel like I need to get better about having a daily exercise routine. Even if it's just a walk, going for a walk burns off that latte or piece of banana bread. I can see that I need to strike a deal with myself. I have the app set to help me lose 2 pounds per week. I either need to really start to limit my calorie intake or I need to adjust m...

I found something last night that I think might help. It's an app and a website called Lose It!  It's basically like the weight watchers app except instead of points it tracks calories. It's very basic. What I like about it (so far) is that it actually has foods I eat in its database - this was one of my biggest annoyances with WW. I entered in most of my food yesterday and found the culprit for my lack of weight loss. I eat too much. Crazy right?! It also gives me some calories back for playing the piano. It isn't much but I'm happy that I get something for it! If I actually stay under my daily calories in this app it has me set to lose 2 pounds a week which would put me at my target weight of 145 in December. The also lets you keep track with your friends. I kind of see this as being similar to meetings. If anyone wants to try it out with me it would be great to actually be accountable to people I know and care about instead of a bunch of old ladies at a weigh...

I'm tired of being fat. Nothing's working. What the hell?!

I've been contemplating how I want to go about dealing with my eating habits the last few days and I feel like I may have a solution. Here's what I know about what doesn't work with regards to diets: I hate counting calories/points/carbs/whatever I have to count. It's time consuming and I end up just eating stuff that I know is terrible because I am rebelling against the system! I am a foodie. I like to try things, I like to eat a variety of things, I don't like sameness. This is why pre-packaged meals, restrictive diet plans that rule out food groups, and diets that make restaurants difficult never work for me. Meetings, counsellors, and diet buddies tend to cause me to rebel. The only buddy that's worked is Paul. Getting him to do things with me doesn't really work because he doesn't care to participate most of the time. Now, here is what does work: Small meals through the day. Even if I just eat some of my big meal and save the rest for la...

The other night I was listening to the Dave Ramsay program on my way home from teaching. He had a couple about Paul's and my age that called in to make a debt free scream. He spent a pretty substantial amount of time stressing the point that these people have lived in self induced poverty for two years to get themselves out of debt and now not only will they spend the rest of their lives being in control of their finances, they now have the live experience that gives them the confidence to push through difficulties knowing that they have the strength to do this. Usually listening to happy debt free people makes me feel kind of bitter. But the commentary had me re-contemplating the healthy lifestyle journey. Just like getting out of debt, getting healthy can either be something I struggle with off and on for the rest of my life, or it can be something I conquer now so that I can enjoy the rest of my life. If I get the weight off now, I'll be able to do it again the next time...

Today I went on the first run I've been on since before I was pregnant. That makes it over a year and a half since I've been on a run. And that's sad. But now is better than never. My last post was a product of my still crazy hormones. In the past when I've been in my pms funk it's only lasted a day or so and then I'm back on track again. This seems to be lasting a few more days and I'm just not accustomed to it I guess. While I haven't found a solution for hormone craziness yet, I have started to feel a little more motivated about getting my health back. It's kind of nice that this bout of motivation seems manageable. Instead of overhauling my eating habits I've been trying to go on a meal-by-meal basis. I try to eat salad or something on the lighter side if I have the option and I've been trying to avoid soda. It's a start at least. With exercise it's one day at a time. Today Paul said he'd go on a walk with me. I download...

I'm in a slump. I really bad slump. A slump that I don't even know how to begin to solve slump. Lately I've been a little more than busy and exercise just isn't happening. I've been a little less than happy and food is the key to my happiness lately. Yesterday I had a "I'm turning 28 this month" reality check. I'm had a voice lesson where we decided to focus on my work to prepare for the met audition. For anyone that doesn't know the met audition is the new york  metropolitan opera competition where they award large cash prizes to winners and it's an opportunity for singers to "get discovered". I spent some time Friday evening researching it to find out when it is, what I need to do to prep for it, and who has done well in the past. What I found is that past winners and mentionable participants have resumes that make me look like an amateur. And most of those participants are younger than I am. This combined with the fact that...

Last weekend for Easter my mom made an easter basket for Charlotte and another one for the grown ups. It was filled to the brim with bags of candy. Snickers, nuggets, skittles, butterfinger, peanut butter cups galore. I've found myself in a downward spiral of craptacular eating. Not only have I been finding myself eating candy for breakfast, it seems that regular sodas, fried food, and simple carbs have creeped their way into my diet. I'm out of control! I'm a snacking fatty food eating fiend! The only redeeming thing about my diet is that at least I'm getting some exercise with my zumba classes. I found out today that eating McDonalds before zumba class is a bad idea. A really really bad idea. So I'm going on a detox next week. No more candy. No more fast food. Nothing deep fried. No adding sugar to my tea. No adding syrup to my coffee. On the softball front I'm still on the fence. It turns out that Paul isn't going to be able to play because the Sun...

I have to admit I was a bit nervous about trying out for softball again. It's been so long since I've played and I was ready to have the tryout be the end. But I was pleasantly surprised. It seems this league was meant for people like me. The have teams that only meet once a week for double headers. They try to find a place for everybody and all skill levels, and they were really encouraging. I didn't have coaches chatting me up like they did the girl that came to try out after having played ball for her community college team, but I'll still get to play. I'm a bit sore today but thankfully arnica cream and ice packs are a miracle worker. I probably wouldn't be as sore if I hadn't ever played before. Most of it is in my thighs. I found myself crouching down and moving involuntarily every time a ball was hit. I guess it's good that some of my playing is instinctual from when I played as a kid, but my thighs are not happy about it! I feel like I fielded ...

For the last week I've been trying to wrap myself around the whole trying out for softball thing. The tryout is tomorrow. So I got some cleats and have been playing catch with my sister. I also went to the batting cages Sunday. I knew I was a bit rusty, but I had no idea I was this out of shape. My back and stomach have been all kinds of sore. The most unexpected sore is my hands. The palms of my hands are sore from batting. The good news is that even if I'm not super strong right now, I can still hit pretty well and I can aim. The other good news is that if this is how sore I am after just a little bit of practicing, I'll probably get into great shape if I'm doing it on a regular basis. Wish me luck!

Well, I finally got a response from my dragon boat coach today. It seems there isn't any room for me on the team. I can't say I'm very surprised. I really liked my team but I got the impression that I made my coach and my captain uncomfortable somehow and I don't really know why. So this leaves me at a crossroads. I could find another team, or I could give up on dragon boating. I really enjoyed paddling, but I think a huge part of it was my team. I felt really connected with my coach's style and my teammates. Half of my motivation was because of them. So if I had to join another team it would always be tainted by what I'm missing, and it would be hard to go to races and see my old teammates and miss them like I would. My other option is not to paddle anymore. This makes me a bit sad because I did enjoy being outdoors and on the water during the summer and I really like working to perfect a new skill. It would have been really difficult to figure out the prac...

Today was my third Zumba class and I think I'm already an addict. I've downloaded tons of songs (although I want to find the ones my instructors use more often), and I got a more appropriate pair of shoes for all the dancing and jumping. I like the instructor Monday mornings because she gives more verbal cues about how to do the steps and she uses the same songs for the beginning of the workout and it really gave me a chance to learn the steps better. Nike Shox for Dancing I went on a grand hunt for a good Zumba shoe last week. I've never had to find a shoe that was more light-weight and flexible because I'm used to the clunkers that prevent me from rolling my ankles. I ended up finding that I preferred shoes that weren't really meant for exercise at all. I liked the Merrell barefoot shoe and a pair of Nike Shox meant for dance. I tried on the Merrell's and liked how flexible and lightweight they were and how the support in the arch and mid-foot, but aft...

There's just something about exercise that gets me in a good state of mind. It's probably the endorphins, but I think it's more than that. I think it gives me a sense of structure that I've been lacking in the chaos of new motherhood, and, besides my voice lessons, it gives me something to look forward to. I feel like I'm being proactive in working on myself and it feels really good! you've probably already seen this on Facebook but... I went to Zumba for the second time last night. I can't really say too much yet because I've only been to two classes, but the classes seem really different even though it's the same exercise. The morning class was smaller, and I think this made it easier to follow along. Wednesday there were so many people and it was obvious that many of them had been doing this awhile. I think this made it more difficult because several of them seem to be modifying the steps and doing their own thing (especially the ones dres...

Yesterday I took the plunge (yet again) and joined 24 hour fitness. This is the third time I've joined the gym and I'm hoping it will be the last. Especially since it's almost double the monthly dues I paid before. Yay inflation. Anyway, as I've been saying, diet is just not on my side lately. Given, I choose not to eat the healthiest of things all the time, but even when I eat healthy I eat enough for three people. I blame hormones for making me ravenous. I fail at counting points and I fail at portion control. So I've decided to come at my baby weight from the exercise side instead. The 24 hour fitness by my house offers several fitness classes besides the various exercise equipment and the pool. I really like the constancy of classes (although I sucked at yoga) and I feel like if I have certain classes I always go to I'll be far more likely to get regular exercise. So I'm making the commitment to go to Zumba every Monday and Wednesday with the intenti...

This week so far has been a weight watchers points black hole. Saturday we went to mexican food for a friends birthday. I haven't been very good with planning my meals and before I knew it I had gone through my entire weekly points balance. This has been a bit of a challenge since my weekly points don't reset until Thursday. I see tracking as a way to remind myself of how much I'm really eating. It's kind of baffling to me that it's such a wakeup call every time. And every time I think, "Oh, I'm not that bad, I probably go a little over my points, but it's not that far off." Yeah, I'm off by about a mile. My weight watchers membership expires the end of this month, so I decided the cost effective strategy would be to finish out the month at weight watchers and then to join the gym next month. In the meantime I've decided to keep track of my points (something I haven't hardly done since I started WW). I'm glad now that I did becau...

For the month of January I made it my goal to eat healthier. This meant cutting out processed foods, fried foods, sugar, and cutting back on meat. As far as meeting my goals, lets just say I tried. Actually I did pretty well for the couple of weeks that I journaled for my doctor. But I can't afford a $20 copay every two weeks so she can tell me I need to eat better. That's what weight watchers was supposed to be for. I even told my meeting leader that I was going to give her my tracker every week so she could keep me accountable. Except she forgot and never asked me for it. I didn't completely bomb, but the last few days have been a free-for-all in terms of eating. To some extent I blame hormones. Even though I'm 7 1/2 months post partum things are still off kilter at times and it's the only way I can explain why I'm completely ravenous sometimes. So now that January is over I feel like I need to stop and reevaluate my goals. First I shall review what they...

I listen to a pretty fair amount of talk radio. There's an ad that plays pretty frequently about amberin, which is a hormone medication for menopause. This isn't really relevant to me, but it makes mention of how having a hormonal imbalance can make weight loss nearly impossible. I was thinking about this and how I've tried nearly everything I can think of with dieting and I've come to a conclusion. I'm just not going to lose my baby weight as long as I'm breastfeeding. Throwing money at the problem (aka weight watchers) isn't going to solve it either. What I can do is exercise. If I exercise now, at least when Charlotte's weened I'll be in good shape and losing weight won't be difficult (I hope!). So I'm going to cancel weight watchers, stick to my mostly vegetarian/sugar free/whole grain diet and join 24 hour. Now I just need to come up with a workout schedule around available childcare!

If you don't read My Way , my blog about being a mom, then you probably don't know about my list of new years resolutions. I wrote several, but these are the three that are pertinent to this blog: Walk 20 minutes EVERY DAY. Start Dragon Boating again. Cut out  all   sugar  (including fake sugar) for the month of January and July. I wrote these down the night before last. I couldn't sleep very well so I thought I'd make a to-do list and resolutions, while I don't usually make any, seemed like a good idea. I make resolutions about my health all the time. I feel like my New Years ones are a continuation of the healthy lifestyle I've been trying to establish. If you've been following me you already know that I've been instructed toward to a  Pescetarian  bordering on vegan diet that cuts out all processed foods and emphasizes whole grains, vegetables and fruits. I was doing pretty well at sticking to it up until Christmas day. The meal was an ode...