Monday, August 20, 2012

Challenge!

Alright, when I wrote my last post I had hoped that this post would talk about how I started carrying Truvia packets in my purse and how I'd found naturally sweet alternatives to my refined sugar friends. Instead I humbly report that I've failed again. As of today I've somehow managed to gain 5 pounds as well.

This is bad. This is really bad.

Last summer I watched a marathon of Biggest Loser. I decided to make it a tradition. Nothing is quite as motivating as watching people twice my size work twice as hard as I do. The problem is that I sit there watching with tears in my eyes as these people work to make it happen for themselves and the reality is that I'm still sitting. I'm still having my mental hang ups. I'm still not believing I can do it, and I'm most definitely still stuck.

I was thinking about the nature of exercise and it's purpose. Exercise is meant to keep us healthy so we can do more of the things we want to be able to do. Play with your kids, have more energy, have fewer health issues so that you're not stuck being sick all the time. It improves your quality of life. The problem is that my quality of life (for the most part) right now low enough to motivate me to work to improve it. If I want to go for a walk I can do it. If I want to play with Charlotte, I can do it. I don't long to be able to go for a run. I don't have any friends that I wish I could go hiking with or any other activity that requires some level of fitness. It's really all about looks and self esteem for me at this point and that's just not good enough. I will choose to wallow in self pity every time.

What does motivate me is competition. Dragon boating taught me that. I worked hard to get better because I wanted the respect of my team and my coach and I wanted to be given the privilege of participation in races. I wanted something. So I worked for it.

So I need something that challenges me the right way. I need someone to tell me I'm not good enough to win. I need something that kicks my butt so that I want to defeat it. Call me rebellious I suppose. Something about being underestimated pushes me like nothing else.

Since I don't have a sport to play right now, I thought that maybe I could compete with my friends instead. Here's what I'm thinking:

Each person contributes $10 (could be more) into a pool of cash. We could choose to win the pot of cash, or to use the cash for a prize item or trip or something - it has to be something for you that you want, not for your kids, not for your husband. In order to win you'd have to lose a certain amount of weight (say 10 pounds?) or a percentage of your body weight first - or we could do something like consecutive days working out or logging meals. Something along those lines. We'd have to have somebody to vouch for us that we did what we were supposed to. Anyone interested?!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Round 2

My taped up ankle. 
About the only thing that is routine for me is my morning weigh in. I'm not gonna lie, I usually tinkle first so I weigh a little less. I always ball my fists to feel how bloated I am while I wait for me digital scale to asses my weight. 188.6

This is not what I wanted to see. Maybe I did have a ridiculously rich chocolate soufflé last night, but I should seriously be down more by now! It wouldn't even be so bad if I could finally fit into my size 14 pants, but that hasn't happened either. An entire wardrobe of useless size 14 clothing waits in a giant plastic bin for the day I finally shrink enough to fit in them.

I ate a breakfast of leftover giant sushi, and a lunch of my remaining chocolate soufflé before going to physical therapy. I half contemplated canceling my appointment. But I decided to talk to my physical therapist, Tawnie, about my frustration instead. It occurred to me as I was driving that it's not her fault that I haven't followed her advice right yet.

I was glad I chose to talk to her instead of shutting down. We decided that if I wanted to get the results I was after, I should cut out sugar and simple carbs. She also said that she thought I should give my current efforts more time to work. Even if it hasn't been manifesting they way I think it should yet, the work I am doing will eventually make a difference. She taped my ankle since it had been bothering me after a weekend at the beach full of walking long distances in flip flops. Now I look like an olympic athlete (yep, I feel pretty bad ass). She also pushed me through some more difficult resistance exercises. I think she's figured out that I'm pretty motivated by being challenged.

After my first round of stretches my chest felt like pudding. This reminded me of dragon boating for some reason. I thought about a practice I blogged about where my coach pushed us through a race exercise that I thought would end the practice. I pushed myself to my limits in that race heat and was completely taken by surprise when he had us do it again. Instead of giving up because I hadn't expected it, I decided to push myself and give it my all a second time.

I feel like I need to fight this fight still. As much as I feel like I've pushed myself up to this point, I need to fight even harder to push myself through this plateau like I never have before. This is a test of my self-discipline and perseverance and I do not intend to fail! Besides, I need to make the most out of having the support from Tawnie. And what kind of olympic athlete would I be if I just gave up?


Friday, August 3, 2012

Olympic Inspiration

Last night as I was debating about whether to eat more food or not I started to think about the olympics and what the athletes must have to sacrifice in order to reach their goal of olympic gold. There's one commercial in particular that really makes the point that shows the perspective of the athletes as they perform their sports and state how they have not read a book, watched a tv show, or eaten at a restaurant in years. I wanted to post the video but I couldn't find it. I'll post it if I do.

My goals may not be as lofty or as difficult as an olympic hopeful. I'm not in any rush to become a great athlete. But I do relate to having something I want - to be a healthy weight. It's something I've wanted for years. Since I was a teenager.

For something I've wanted for so long, I certainly haven't sacrificed much to get it. Over and over again I've chosen things that hold me back. Sure, I can have cheese fries once in a great while, but it's not the occasional cheese fries that have been my undoing. It's the handful of peanuts, the one or two snuck oreos, an added egg roll, white rice when I could have had brown.

It started to settle in that I don't have to give up half as much as some people do to reach their goals. I can still do many things that I enjoy and the journey to weight loss has brought many new activities that I might not have enjoyed otherwise. It's become a very black and white choice all of a sudden. Either I choose to reach my goal, or I choose to be where I am and have always been.